Soccer Player Qualifies For NWSL HIP Designation By Having, "Really Cool Tik Tok Video"

UNITED STATES - An unnamed international soccer player reportedly qualified for the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) High impact Player (HIP) designation (designation) by having a, “really cool Tik Tok video,” despite the player only having 400 minutes during the last season.

“Just look at this video,” stated Jessica Berman, commissioner of the NWSL, to our reporter. “This video is worth a couple million, right? I think teams should pay for this video. This is a HIP player.”

Sources say that a number of nearly part time and injured players qualified for HIP designation just by virtue of cool tik tok videos over the past 5 years as even retired players were apparently available to be signed under the new mechanism.

“Have you seen the numbers this Abby Wambach podcast video did on Instagram,” stated one NWSL representative. “She clearly has the star power that any team would love to have on their roster.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NWSL institutes a best fit and swimsuit category for HIP designation.

Santa Claus Files For Bankruptcy After Attempting To Fulfill The Ticket Wishes Of World Cup Fans

NORTH POLE - Santa Claus, the kindly spirit of Christmas, has reportedly filed for bankruptcy after attempting to fulfill the wishes for tickets to World Cup 2026 from World Cup fans.

“I just can’t afford to keep the toy factory and delivery service open anymore,” stated Mr. Claus to The Nutmeg News. “I’ve had to leverage multiple, MULTIPLE lines of credit. I had to mortgage the workshop, the land, the reindeer, everything….. the monthly payments mean that I can’t afford to pay any of my employees or purchase any supplies to have them build toys.”

Sources say that Mr. Claus attempted to fulfill the wishes of World Cup fans across the globe and this put him so far in debt that he cannot recover.

“I’m ruined,” stated Mr. Claus. “There’s just no way for me to financially recover from this. Do you know how expensive tickets are for a family of four to a World Cup game? It was bad enough when children started asking for computers and one wheels. I’m just ruined. RUINED.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Palantir purchases the distressed assets of Mr. Claus empire and integrates all of Santa’s data into their database to allow ICE to make more accurate arrests of children and families on Christmas.

FIFA Backtrack On World Cup Ticket Prices As They Announce 1 Obstructed View $60 Ticket Per Game Available For Purchase For Anyone Willing To Wear ICE GPS Tracking Device 24/7

UNITED STATES - The international money laundering cartel FIFA announced, on Tuesday, that they were backtracking on their ticket prices as they announced 1 obstructed view $60 ticket available for purchase to every game this World Cup provided that the recipient of the ticket be willing to wear a 24/7 ICE GPS tracking device.

“You will be placed behind a pillar and be required to have open social media accounts that have never criticized President Trump, FIFA or Infantino,” stated the press release by FIFA. “Your location and your personal life will be closely monitored at all times by ICE and you will be subject to deportation immediately after the game is over.”

According to insiders, the ticket will only be available to super fans who have no say in anything political unless it is to complement both FIFA and the current President of the United States.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as millions apply for the ticket.

Journalist With Head Stuck In Sand Won't Let That Stop Him From Covering 2026 World Cup

LOS ANGELES - Despite having his head stuck in the sand, journalist Ben Sanders stated that it wouldn’t stop him from covering the 2026 World Cup as he published an article about, “THE EXCITEMENT LEVELS AT AN ALL TIME HIGH.”

“This World Class event is going to be the best thing to happen to the city of Los Angeles,” stated Sanders as his uber eats ordered to where his head was stuck in the sand was delayed due to the driver being abducted by ICE agents. “Everyone here is excited and fans say they can’t WAIT for the opportunity to purchase tickets.”

Sources say that Sanders has had his head permanently stuck in the sand since 2020 and he hasn’t come up since then as he now just lives with his head stuck in the sand at all times.

“I can still be a journalist without having to cover every little thing,” stated Sanders from his location at the Sant Monica beach. “ And frankly I think that not covering all the political things my readers don’t care about helps me be objective. I can see the World Cup for the global super event that it is! I think that everyone is excited to see what FIFA, the President Of The United States and the organizing committees have in store for all the travelling fans. I’ve been using AI integration into my columns to help fans understand the best way to travel around the country to see games!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sanders publishes a new column regarding using AirBNB to sublet your house in order to raise money for #WorldCupFever.

All Scottish Football Supporters To Be Banned From World Cup After United States Announces Required Five Year Review Of Social Media Posts

UNITED STATES - All travelling Scottish Football Supporters are reportedly to be banned from attending the World Cup after the United States announced a required five year review of all social media posts for entering the country.

“Five years?” stated one anonymous supporter. “I’ve spent just the last week telling the Donald and the rest of the politicians to get tae fuck. Fuck all of them, from the highest to the lowest.”

Sources say that a quick scan of the social media posts from the last five years indicates that not one single Scottish football fan would be allowed into the United States.

“It’s a wretched hive of compassion, foul language and abuse of conservative values,” stated one White House representative. “We cannot allow the Scots into the United States.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as English fans from the North get banned, but Chelsea fans are let through.

Lionel Messi Named MLS MVP Of The First Five Minutes Of MLS Cup 2025

MIAMI - Lionel Messi was named the MLS MVP Of The First Five Minutes Of MLS Cup 2025 by the collected executives of Major League Soccer as the final game of the season kicked off for 2025.

“His workrate was tremendous and he was easily the best player out there,” stated one league executive.

“I think we can all agree he was the MLS MVP of the first five minutes,” stated another league executive.

Sources indicate that Messi is shortlisted to be the MVP of the second five minutes of MLS 2025, as well. However it remains to be seen if he will be nominated to be the MVP of the first half.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Messi is also nominated as MVP of the starting lineup.

Nation's Racists Announce Plan To Unite Behind USMNT Until They Lose

UNITED STATES - In an effort to be ready for the 2026 World Cup,. racists across the United States announced their plan to unite behind the United States Men’s National Team (USMNT) in an effort to promote American exceptionalism until the team loses at which point they will all blame a non-white player for the loss.

“USA USA USA USA USA,” stated one of the press releases from a group of racists in a compound somewhere outside of Moscow, Idaho. “USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USAUSA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USAUSA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USAUSA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USAUSA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USAUSA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USAUSA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USAUSA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USAUSA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USAUSA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USAUSA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USAUSA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USAUSA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USAUSA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USAUSA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA.”

For their part, the American Outlaws (one of the USMNT supporters groups that exists to make money) stated, “We can’t control who roots for the USA or not but we should all pull together no matter what to encourage everyone to root for the boys and financially support AO Chapters near you in a moment of togetherness so we can make more money so we can send a crack team of professional supporters to games for free.”

The Nutmeg News will cover this as it happens

World Cup 2026 Draw To Feature Literal Group Of Death

UNITED STATES - Sources indicate that the 2026 World Cup Draw will feature a literal group of death as the United States government has stated, “unwelcome teams with subhuman fans who are not welcome will be placed in the group of literal death and dealt with by drone.”

Those in the know seem to indicate that the United States is advocating that Haiti, Curacao, Iran, and Cape Verde be considered for the Literal Group Of Death.

“We will not take in any drug dealers and leaches on the state,” stated one white supremacist employed by the White House. “Those who come here to take advantage of us thinking that soccer will save them are going to find out a very different result.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Department Of War authorizes a drone strike on the boat of any FIFA official who disagrees.

Shitposters, Meme-lords And The Chronically Online Declare Week Long Armistice To Focus Hatred On Inter Miami

Shitposters, Meme-Lords, and the chronically online stated that they were going to put down the Gimp projects and multi-thread posts they are working upon to form a temporary armistice to combat a common enemy as they collectedly focused their hatred on Inter Miami.

“This aggression cannot stand,” stated the newly formed coalition of online keyboard warriors. “We must focus on defeating our common enemy before we turn our cannons back on each other for the 2026 season.”

Sources say that the détente was mediated behind the scenes by a hidden supporters council headed by the last remaining relative of Colonel Sanders who currently sits on the Supporters Council as an independent observer.

“The Colonel brought us together to form a life pact to defend the motherland against the Inter Miami invaders, the league Public Relations staff and their god lord Lionel Messi.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as cracks in the newly formed alliance show after an inadvertent shit post regarding travelling Whitecaps fans is found on a subreddit.

US Legends Assure Travelling Soccer Fans That World Cup 2026 Will Be Safe As Long As You Don't Look Mexican, Aren't Too Ethnic, Aren't From Haiti And Are Very Wealthy

UNITED STATES - A collection of United States legends tasked by the US Soccer Federation and President Donald Trump stated that World Cup 2026 will be safe for travelling fans as long as you don’t look Mexican, aren’t too ethnic, aren’t from Haiti and are very wealthy.

“The United States is a welcoming cultural melting pot for anyone who has a net worth over 2 to 3 million dollars,” stated Alexi Lalas in a new promotional spot airing on European television stations. “If you fit the parameters of being wealthy and you don’t look Mexican, and you aren’t from Haiti, and you aren’t too ethnic…. we welcome you to World Cup 2026.”

Sources say that the effort to show that the United States was a welcoming country was directly targeted at the recent negative publicity of the United States forcibly incarcerating and deporting anyone who looks Mexican, is poor, or just might be questionably ethnic enough for being detained before they put you back on a rural road 2 miles from the city center and keep the cash that was in your wallet.

“World Cup 2026 is going to be a blast, provided you meet the qualifications for entry and can afford to travel and stay here and purchase the visas and purchase the unaffordable tickets and don’t get picked up by ICE and get disappeared somewhere,” stated one US Soccer representative.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Soccer increases their promotions.

General Managers Announce Plan To Step Back And Let Coaches Take The Blame This Offseason

General Managers of soccer teams across the nation announced their plan, today, to step back and let coaches take the blame as the Major League Soccer offseason began with a flurry.

“It’s important to differentiate between the poor effort you see every week and the work that I do which is largely misunderstood by the vast amount of fans out there,” stated one General Manager who has been with his team for 10 years. “I think that the next coach we hire this season will understand the players he is taking on from poor ownership, bad trades and terrible contracts over the years.”

Sources say that fans did their part as they immediately took to social media to blame the coach and the players for their poor play and the end of the season.

“The only way out of this is to fire the coach that has been here for 2 years,” stated one fan.

“Frankly I think that our players didn’t perform up to specifications for the 5th year in a row,” stated one fan. “However, I think that the coach has a lot to do with that. We should probably give this general manager who hasn’t won a single thing in his entire lifetime another 5 or 10 years to try to get it together.”

Sources say that supporters groups joined the fray as eliminated groups clamored for the ownership groups to fire the manager and buy new players.

“No one knows anything about what our GM does, and I see our coach trying and failing every week so he needs to go,” stated one Supporters Group member.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the GM of your team sits back for another year of mediocre trades, poor acquisitions and great job security.

FIFA Announces New AI World Cup Ticket Program That Will Cancel Tickets If Purchasers Are Critical Of Charlie Kirk Or President Trump Online

INTERNET - FIFA, the international money laundering organization, announced today that they will be using a new AI World Cup Ticket Program that will cancel tickets to the 2026 World cup if purchasers are found making negative comments about Charlie Kirk or Presidnt Trump online.

“We are doing this in conjunction with an executive order by the White House,” stated FIFA. “This is part of our attempt to ensure that the environment at the 2026 World Cup will be secure and filled with the right kind of people.”

Sources say that the technology will be constantly monitoring any and all social media for any critical comments of Charlie Kirk or President Donald Trump and instantly cancelling the tickets of the user.

“We have a way to ensure that we can tie social media activity to the purchaser of the tickets regardless of online alias,” stated one AI technician. “And if we end up with a few mistakes, well, that’s just the way it goes.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when it happens.

NWSL Commissioner Announces That Her Investigation Into The NWSL Commissioner Shows No Wrongdoing By NWSL Commissioner

Jessica Berman, the current National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) Commissioner, announced today that her investigation into herself showed no wrongdoing by herself as she claimed that she was vindicated for all of her recent actions.

“My investigation into myself shows that I did nothing wrong in threatening fines against the Kansas City Current over heat procedures that put fans and players at risk,” stated Berman. “I think that it shows that I acted correctly and appropriately to threaten to the team to play because of all the money that we might lose.”

Sources say that Berman was incensed that the teams would take into consideration the state of the fans and players as she stated, “WHO WILL CARE ABOUT THE SPONSORS AND THE BROADCAST WINDOW? SCREW THE FANS? WHAT ABOUT THE MONEY1”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Berman blames the liberal media.

Shocking Admission As Commissioner Of MLS Reveals That Approximately 28 People Are Watching CF Montreal Games On Apple TV

Austin, TX - At a packed press conference in the wake of Major League Soccer’s board of governors meeting earlier, Commissioner Don Garber revealed that approximately 28 people are watching CF Montreal games on Apple TV.

Q2 Stadium. (REUTER)

Stating, “we felt we needed to share more information,” Garber indicated that 12 to 28 people on average are watching CF Montreal games as they play out the rest of the 2025 season.

“A special shoutout to Martin V,” stated Garber to the collected press. “He’s one of the few who have actually watched every single game. We see you and we appreciate you.”

Sources say that the usually tight lipped commissioner felt that he needed to push back on the nobody is watching rumors by illustrating that, in fact, dozens of people were watching.

“These are strong numbers for Montreal and we feel like they are trending up,” state Garber.

The Nutmeg News will have more as Montreal institutes another rebrand.

FIFA Announces President Trump As 2025 Club World Cup Champion

FIFA (the international criminal and money laundering organization) announced, today, that it awarded United States President Donald Trump the official 2025 Club World Cup Champion.

“Glorious leader President Trump defeated the merciless communist team from Paris,” stated the communique sent out to the press. "All hail the achievements of the President.”

Sources say that President Trump had the Club World Cup trophy taken to the White House to be used as a McFlurry Fountain for an upcoming state dinner.

“President Trump scored 6 goals and gave up none against PSG,” stated the official communication. “He was awarded the Golden Ball and the Golden Shoe. He also won the Gold Cup and will get a bye in the first round of the World Cup.”

The Nutmeg News hails the exploits of the Glorious Leader.

President Trump Announces 30% Tariff On Cascadia

WASHINGTON - Speaking with journalists at a $500 a ticket press conference, President Donald Trump announced that the Cascadia bio-region would be hit with a 30% tariff.

“The numbers are very bad, very bad,” stated President Trump. “You will see them later. They rob us. It’s disgusting. There’s still room for a deal. They will make a deal or we will raise tariffs again.”

Sources say that President Trump was told that this is actually already a part of the United States and this just furthered his resolve.

“All they do is take, they take and they take. It’s time for Cascadia to pay their fair share,” stated President Trump into the face of a bored bathroom attendant. “If they want American trucks and American goods, they will pay.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the administration announces that Cascadia may need a regime change.

Journalists Baffled Why Game With Expensive Tickets Scheduled On Tuesday At 3PM After 3 Day Holiday Weekend Between Two Non Local Clubs For A Non-Prestigious Trophy Isn't Sold Out

INTERNET - Journalists across sports were, reportedly, baffled why a game with expensive tickets scheduled on a Tuesday at 3pm after a 3 day holiday weekend between two non-local clubs for a non-prestigious trophy isn’t sold out as they posted pictures to social media.

“It doesn’t look good,” stated the journalist who didn’t have to pay for their ticket or take time off work to be at the game. ”It’s really not a great sign of the standing of the sport in this country.”

Sources say that the amount of people who actually did show up at 3 PM on a Tuesday is actually pretty amazing when you factor in that virtually no one in the United States actually gives a flying shit about the club world cup.

“It’s a testament to how these brands have built their fanbases that this stadium isn’t completely empty,” stated one researcher. “Frankly I’m disappointed there are this many people here in the first place.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as soccer journalists write another think piece about what this means for the World Cup.

Ebullient Alexi Lalas Screams At AI Chat Bot To Find Ethnicity And Birthplace Of Starting USMNT Lineup In Order To Figure Out Who To Criticize

INTERNET - An ebullient and ecstatic Alexi Lalas reportedly screamed at the microphone prompt of an AI chat bot to find the ethnicity and birthplace of the USMNT starting lineup in order to figure out exactly who he would blame for their loss to Mexico.

“I NEED CONTENT,” stated Lalas into an AI chatbot. “TELL ME THE COUNTRY OF ORIGIN AND GENETIC MAKEUP OF THESE BUMS.”

Sources say that Lalas reportedly took to his social media accounts to schedule a, “What are we all angry about today,” post for tomorrow before attempting to soft pedal a birther conspiracy about United States players to his followers.

“You just can’t trust people who don’t understand what it means to be American,” stated the former shit defender and even worse general manager.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.