Kansas City, KS - After realizing that playing in the Western Conference of Major League Soccer (MLS) is like a tense, joyless slaughterhouse; Sporting Kansas City petitioned Major League Soccer to let them back into the Eastern Conference.

"They told us that we would enjoy the change of pace, but I'm already missing the 6 opportunities to play against Orlando and NYCFC and the 3 opportunities to play against a New England side that looks thinner than paper left out in the rain", said head coach Peter Vermes. "And Montreal, Chicago... I mean I'm just thoroughly heartbroken that we don't get 6 games against them either."

Rumblings from inside the locker room reveal the same thing, "When we were in the East, we could pencil ourselves in for a playoff spot with frequent regularity. Now we are at the bottom of the Western Conference after two games looking up", said one player who asked not to be identified.

"Man, Fuck This shit. Can we go play Chicago again?", said another unidentified player.

While getting ready for next week, the team can at least look forward with some hope. They play at home against a Portland side that is only one point ahead of Kansas City for last place. Rumors have swirled that Merritt Paulson attempted to apply for the same transition to the Eastern Conference stating, "I don't care how it happens, I'd just like to win a freaking game in March."