MLS Teams Eagerly Await "Messi Price Gouging Season"

Sources say that nearly every team in Major League Soccer is planning on burning all the good will they ever generated with their fans over the years as they stated, “now is the time to fleece these rubes before the fans realize Messi won’t be able to travel to their home game because of injury, distance or turf.”

Internal channels indicated that nearly all teams were eagerly awaiting “Messi Price Gouging Season” with the 2025 Schedule set to drop soon.

“We are planning on announcing our single game loyal supporters package of $500 for a ticket and you get a Messi poster,” stated one team employee.

“We are planning on making the experience one of a kind,” stated one anonymous MLS spokesperson. “We will have a Messi supporters group within our supporters group for conflicted fans who just want to cheer for everyone when he comes to town.”

“The jelly is on the lamb, and we are on a roll,” stated one MLS Huckster. “It’s time to absolutely gouge the living shit out of these fans for a normal ticket that may actually not get them anything at all but the chance to stare a Messi as he sits on the sideline.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

Thanksgiving Brings Fresh Chance For Timbers Fan To Hear About, "Crime Ridden, Burnt Down, Antifa Hell Hole"

Moscow, ID - Timbers fan Preston Smith admitted that visiting his family in Moscow for Thanksgiving allowed him to have a fresh chance to hear about the city in which he lives and works as being a, “crime ridden burnt down antifa hellhole.”

Sources say that Smith was sharing an album on his phone that showed his recent weekend hiking and visiting a downtown brewery with his cousin when he overheard the conversation start anew of the seemingly endless lawless anarchy.

“There is literally nothing I can do to convince them that the place that I work, live and drive every single day of my life isn’t smoking in ruins,” stated Smith to The Nutmeg News. “I showed them shots from my recent trip to the farmers market and my Aunt Janice asked if I, ‘was keeping safe,’ before she wiped a tear from her eyes.”

According to family insiders, Smith’s location is apparently being spoken of as, “the only sane place in Portland,” by his father after a recent visit left him confused by the lack of smoking ruins. However, this recent visit did nothing to dissuade the stories as Smith’s father continued to state, “you wouldn’t catch me dead there.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it continues to happen.

Whitecaps Ownership Promise A Return The Quality Of Previous Seasons After Sacking Sartini

VANCOUVER - Vancouver Whitecaps ownership promised a return the the quality of previous seasons after firing head coach Vanni Sartini on Monday.

“Vanni was great for us,” stated one employee put out in the line of fire by the ownership of the Whitecaps. “However, we feel that our results should be in line with our roster. Vanni gave the fans too much hope, and we need them to understand the depth and quality that we have out there cannot be relied upon.”

Sources say that the Whitecaps ownership was concerned when fans started believing they might advance in the playoffs and that the team might get investments in 2025.

“We cannot have fans thinking that 2025 will be better,” stated the Whitecaps FO. “This is not a charity, this is a business. We cannot just continue spending money to make things better, we must control our costs and our expectations. This end of Sartini signals an end of this squad, and now we are allowed to find some journeyman players from within MLS and a player from a league you’ve never heard of from a lower division league that will only get going once he has 12 games under his belt and will then become a cult fan favorite.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Whitecaps plan on decreasing costs in 2025 and 2026 and 2027 and 2028 and 2029 and 2030.

Donald Trump Appoints Anthony Precourt As National Soccer Business Executive

WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump announced the appointment of Anthony Precourt as the national soccer business executive as he filled out his cabinet appointments ahead of his upcoming term.

“Anthony is a fine business executive, and I expect him to surpass all the business metrics,” stated President Trump to The Nutmeg News.

Sources within the upcoming Republican government indicated that they expect Precourt to launch sweeping legislative change upon getting sworn into his position.

“Precourt indicated that his first and most important task will be to loosen all ties both political and social that prevent teams from being able to move cities,” stated one anonymous source. “He will also increase ticket prices, beer prices and add additional penalties against fans who bring negative banners to games.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Precourt lauds the upcoming administration as being, “an excellent opportunity to make money.”

Bruce Arena Announces New Book Titled "If I Did It" That Doesn't Really Define What The IT In The Title Actually Is

San Jose, CA - New Earthquakes head coach Bruce Arena announced the release of a new book that he wrote during his VOLUNTARY sabbatical from coaching titled, “If I Did It,” that doesn’t really define what the IT in the title of the book actually is.

“The book is more of a look at what it would be like if I actually did whatever IT is that had me remov…er… resigned….er… mutually departed my last position,” stated Arena to The Nutmeg News.

An early look at the book has Arena defending a theoretical self against a multitude of charges without defining exactly what IT is that he did.

“In this book I explore everything that I COULD have done, without actually talking about what it is that I did,” stated Arena. “It shows that even if I did whatever IT is, that IT isn’t that big of a deal because no one really knows what IT is.”

The Nutmeg News will have less on this as Arena refuses to answer any additional questions.

Soccer Conspiracy Theorist Successfully Transitions Into Global Conspiracy Theorist

INTERNET - Soccer conspiracy theorist Gary Phillips succerssfully transitioned into a global conspiracy theorist as he ranted on Twitter to the collection of bots, low key nazis, blatant white supremacists, content thieves and Elon parasites who make up his followers about the cabal of the global elite who are infiltrating the global political perspective, as well as Major League Soccer (MLS).

“You can clearly see the line’s drawn from MLS involvement in Soccer United Marketing to the globalist agenda set at the Demo-RAT party,” stated Philips from his Twitter account @443forever. “The talking heads won’t show this as they are all just a part of the same wheel suppressing the game from growing and people from taking free speech democracy to NPSL sides in Florida. WE ARE TALKING BRADENTON, PEOPLE”

Sane people who have reportedly left Twitter for literally anywhere else that isn’t infested with hate speech dickheads state that Phillips has attempted to branch out to those locations leading to a mass blocking.

“He is still ranting about how a lack or rondos shows the insular nature of the US Soccer Federation perpetuating the agendas handed down from the Communist wing of MLS thought pundits,” stated one person. “And that is before I blocked him from replying to my comments about treating people with love with red pill memes.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the feedback echo chamber convinces Phillips that he is absolutely right.


Philadelphia Union Owner Announces Plan To Be Dead Last In Spending

Philadelphia, PA - Philadelphia Union owner Jay Sugarman announced a bold plan, today, for the Major League Soccer (MLS) side to be dead last in spending in 2025 and beyond.

“We were the 26th team in the league out of 29 in terms of spending and we finished in 23rd place,” stated Sugarman to The Nutmeg News. “Next season I demand that we are in 29th place. Only then will we be competitive.”

According to inside sources, the spending on the team and their insistence on using unproven assets to balance out their roster was one of the core reasons with the dismissal of Union coach Jim Curtin. However, for his part Sugarman doesn’t seem bothered.

“We gave Jim a lot of assets,” stated Sugarman. “But in order for us to see success we are going to need to sell a lot more players. See the Union do things a bit different. We are a bit avant-garde. The Union see success as success off the field. Success to our organization is the continual selling of structured assets to diversified holding companies overseas that will allow us to balance the expenditures of the 29th most funded team in a 29 team league.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sugarman decries the fans as, “having no vision about the prestige of being in last place but having a record youth transfer to the Real Madrid academy.”

Major League Soccer Announces "Last Chance Bracket" That Starts With Inter Miami Getting A Bye To The Next Round Of Playoffs

Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced a “Last Chance Bracket” for teams that were recently knocked out of the MLS Cup playoffs. The format will allow teams to have a chance at still playing for MLS Cup after suffering a defeat in the playoffs.

“This new program will encourage teams to really go for it,” stated Commissioner Don Garber. “We want to see the best of our teams and we feel that the best way to do this is to ensure that teams like Inter Miami aren’t eliminated just because they were eliminated on the field. They should have a second chance at playing in the playoffs.”

Sources say that the league may have panicked after Miami lost in the first rounds, but others seem to indicate that MLS has been contemplating this solution to Miami’s porous defense since Lionel Messi went out with a lengthy injury earlier this season.

“We hope that giving another week to Miami will allow them to be healthy and rested going into the Last Chance Bracket,” stated Garber to The Nutmeg News. “We are excited about the Last Chance Bracket and the chances it will bring to our flagship teams.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Miami gets eliminated and MLS announces a triple elimination format.

Independent MLS Journalist Successfully Uses YouTube Earnings To Purchase A Share In An Individual Packet Of Maruchan Chicken Flavor Ramen

INTERNET - Independent Major League Soccer (MLS) journalist Barry Evans stated that he was able to successfully use his entire YouTube earnings to purchase a share in a packet of Maruchan chicken Flavor Ramen.

“Between this and the free Taco Bell fire packets I have stocked up I am pretty set for dinner for the weekend,” stated Evans to The Nutmeg News.

Evans was reportedly in year 1 of, “Chasing his dream as an independent content creator and MLS Journalist,” as he boldly struck out on his attempt at turning his blog into a YouTube channel.

“It’s one thing at a time these days,” stated Evans to The Nutmeg News. “But I can finally say that my career move is paying off. Not many people cans say their passion bought them 50% of their dinner they are sharing with an entire MLS Podcast, but here we are.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Evans plan of decreasing his debt by not paying his student loans in hopes that this will allow him to diversify into peanut butter and jelly and an articulated microphone arm.

Red Stars Fans Announce Plan To Seize The Means Of Production

CHICAGO - In light of the recent news that the Chicago Red Stars would be re-branding to Chicago Stars due to a theoretical link to communism, fans of the Red Stars stated that they would be unionizing, marching, and seizing the means of production as they advocated for collectivism in the face of, “an assault by the Bourgeois elite.”

“This is unfettered capitalism at its finest,” stated one anonymous comrade, “they attempt to limit our control of the grain, the potatoes and the soccer. We will have none of it.”

Sources say that the Red Stars fans didn’t associate the naming of the team with any specific ideology until the team decided that it might have a vague allusion to communism which then made the fans realize they were missing an opportunity.

“ALL THIS TIME IT WAS SITTING RIGHT THERE,” stated one comrade. “We could’ve been creating our own Politburo and ensuring that the will of the people was carried out. Instead we’ve just been going to games and having to deal with really shitty ownership groups for all this time. Imagine all the time we lost that we could’ve spent ensuring representatives of the people overseeing the banks, farms and cooperative owned grocery stores.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the Red Stars fans shock the Bourgeois elite by asking for, “An ownership group that isn’t a flaming bag of shit.”

San Diego Wave Win 2024 Merritt Paulson Award For The Most Hostile NWSL Workplace Of The Season

“It’s a true honor to be following in the footsteps of legendary ownership groups like Merritt Paulson and Armin Whisler,” stated one San Diego Wave employee. “It was a team effort to reach this point and we have to thank Jill Ellis, Ron Burkle, and Megan Wakefield for all their contributions.”

Sources say that the Wave are adding their 2024 Merritt Paulson Award to their 2023 Shield and their 2024 NWSL Challenge cup in the awards section of their facility.

“It’s important for us to acknowledge all the victories for women in this group,” stated one Wave spokesperson.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this because it just seems to never end.

Unsatisfied Don Garber Watches Replay Of Weeping Oakland Athletics Fans While Ranting, "This Could've Been Columbus"

NEW YORK - An unsatisfied Major League Soccer (MLS) Commissioner Don Garber watched the replay of weeping Oakland Athletics fans as he claimed, “this could’ve been Columbus,” as he verbally decimated the owner operators in Major League Soccer for denying him this pleasure.

“We were just a few months away from this,” stated Garber to the collected billionaires. “You could taste the depression, sadness and apathy in the air.”

Sources say that Garber ranted and raved as he slowly realized his inability to sample the abject sadness that comes from having a club ripped away from your city by an indifferent billionaire.

“The possibility was there,” stated Garber. “I would sup at their misery with a straw. It could’ve happened. And now every trophy that they win I have to stand there as they boo me when all I wanted to do was increase the profit margin of the league by decimating local soccer in one very small geographical area.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber eyes San Jose with malicious intent.

"Pochettino OUT," Demands USMNT Fan

Cincinnati, OH - Claiming, “He needs to be responsible for this debacle,” USMNT fan Joe Henderson took to Twitter, Threads, Facebook, Instagram, Tik Tok, Blue Sky, Mastodon and Discord to proclaim POCHETTINO OUT.

“Here we go again!”

Despite the Mauricio Pochettino not actually having been the head coach for a single game, yet, Henderson stated that he should accept blame for the recent loss to Canada and tie to New Zealand.

“This is just an example of why the United States must pick up a more experienced international head coach,” stated Henderson online. “Only the best coach in the world can get the best out of our players who are not playing up to their full potential. It’s not the players fault, it’s the head coach and the federation.”

Sources say that Henderson blamed Pochettino for not connecting to the local underserved youth players and having favorites.

“I don’t care if he hasn’t been a head coach yet,” stated Henderson. “It’s clear that he already has a cabal of players who know that they don’t have to play hard to make this team. It’s just like when he was a head coach at Spurs.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this even though it already is happening.

Leagues Cup Madness Shows No Sign Of Ending As Tournament Enters 463rd Week

THE WORLD - Sources from across the world admit that Leagues Cup madness shows no sign of ending as the tournament enters its 463rd week of competition.

LEAGUES CUP MADNESS!

“I can’t even remember what place my team is currently in,” stated one soccer fan. “It’s been a long journey but I think eventually Frodo is going to throw the ring in Mt Doom or some shit.”

Politicians across the spectrum admit that they didn’t anticipate the wholesale societal distress, riots and celebrations that would take place due to Leagues Cup games.

“If we knew what we were going to experience with the repercussions of the New England Revolution vs NYCFC game, we would’ve deployed the army,” stated Carolina Cosse, the Intendant of Montevideo, Uruguay.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS announces they will complete the 2024 season in 2026.

Mauricio Pochettino Officially Submits List Of Players He Wants The USMNT To Sign

CHICAGO - Sources with the US Soccer Federation state that new United States Men’s Team (USMNT) coaching hire Mauricio Pochettino officially submitted his list of players he wants the federation to sign in order to compete at the world level.

“He wants a team fans can 'fall in love with,” stated one person who was at the location.

Sources indicate that Pochettino wants to create a pressing, dynamic team full of character with players who have to fight to get into the lineup.

“He is going to demand a lot and needs players who can hold up to those demands,” stated one insider.

With the World Cup coming up fast, Pochettino asked the USSF to compete in the next transfer window to sign more players to the squad.

“It’s a bit threadbare right now, if I’m honest,” stated one insider with Pochettino’s staff. “However, we believe that we can get this squad heading in the right direction with a bit of investment at the forward, midfield, defense and goalkeeper positions.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as USMNT fans plan for Pochettino’s World Cup victory parade.

Media And Fans To Blame For US Loss

UNITED STATES - Soccer fans across the United States climbed online from the sewers of their parents basement to loudly acclaim that the recent loss of the United States to Panama in the Copa America was the result of the media and fans.

“THIS IS ON ALL THE NORMY FANS WHO DON’T SPEND EVERY WAKING MOMENT SHITPOSTING ON TWITTER ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY HATE THE COACH OF OUR TEAM,” stated one Twitter account.

“I HATE THE FANS MORE THAN ANYONE,” stated one Twitter account. “THEY ARE DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS TIM WEAH RED CARD AND LETTING IN TWO GOALS.”

Intelligent members of the USMNT Twitter community blamed the media, as well, as they indicated that if the media had ….. done things…. Berhalter wouldn’t have been hired which would stopped Tim Weah from getting a red card.

“It’s the media’s fault! They are directly responsible for not forcing the US Soccer Federation to hire someone new, as we all know that the media was responsible for hiring Berhalter in the first place.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as these people continue to shitpost relentlessly online.

John Fisher Appoints Mark Kotsay As New Earthquakes Manager In Order To Oversee Move To Las Vegas

San Jose, CA - San Jose Earthquakes owner John Fisher stated that he was removing Luchi Gonzalez as head coach of the Earthquakes and appointing current Oakland Athletics manager Mark Kotsay to guide the Athletics and the Earthquakes to last place finishes as they prepare for their move to Las Vegas.

“Mark has the experience and vision to see us to dead last,” stated Fisher. “And he’s proven that he can work with inept and functionally stupid ownership and poor general managers to get the worst out of his teams.”

Sources say that Fisher brought Kotsay into the team in order to help with the transition for the Earthquakes to eventually play in Las Vegas via Sacramento as he tries to put out the worst possible team that anyone could watch.

“I need a new stadium,” stated Fisher when asked about the Earthquakes season. “I need the taxpayers to provide a new stadium, preferably on the strip adjacent to the Durango, they have good shrimp scampi. It’s all ball sports. Anyone can coach ball sports. Hit ball, shoot ball, it’s all the same.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Fisher trades players between the two teams in order to see how they would cope with a new sport.

Weston McKennie Admits That He Always Checks With Anonymous Online Dickheads Before Making Transfer Decisions

Arlington, TX - United States midfielder Weston McKennie admitted that he always checks in with anonymous online dickheads on Twitter and Facebook before making transfer decisions as the Juventus midfielder reportedly soured on FC Cincinnati.

“I was originally just interested in any team that would be interested in me,” stated McKennie, “However I checked in on my Twitter sources that I don’t know personally who constantly plan my career and @USMNTManager stated to his 54 followers that it would be the end of my career if I went to Major League Soccer and now I just don’t know.”

Sources say that McKennie’s interest in the situation was exploratory and respectful for any team that was asking about his services until he reviewed the random USMNT assholes who constantly post unending criticisms of the federation, team and coach to everyone forced to read their thoughts through their blue check account and advertising budget.

“I don’t know if Weston was actually going to go to FC Cincinnati,” stated one anonymous friend. “However, it became very clear that he was only going to be comfortable signing with the teams listed by @USMNTFreedomEagle23451343 as being a move forward in his career.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as McKennie creates an alt account to ask whether it would be ok if McKennie went to Brentford next year or if that would be a disappointment to them.

USMNT Fan Uses Euros To Prepare For World Cup Effort Of Overrating A Team And Ranting Online When They Don't Perform

Omaha, Nebraska - USMNT super fan Josh Williams stated that he was using the ongoing Euros in order to prepare for his World Cup effort of overrating a team and then ranting about them online when they don’t perform well.

“With the lack of World Cup Qualification, I’ll need to get in shape ahead of time,” stated Williamson to The Nutmeg News. “I’m using England, right now, as a proxy for the United States so I’ve built them up in my mind to be a much better team than they actually are so that I can be incredibly disappointed about them when they lose.”

Sources say that Williams started the day on Facebook, Discord, LinkedIN, Instagram, Threads, Bluesky, Reddit and Twitter by hashtagging SOUTHGATEOUT and BERHALTEROUT.

“This is really the fault of the coaching staff and FA,” stated Williams as he prepares for the upcoming World Cup. “The players are better than they’ve ever been and less prepared.”

Friends state that Williams persona of being a know it all pedantic chronically online asshole is his one available quality as he ranted online about the selection process for the team.

“He’s really just getting warmed up now,” stated good friend Aiden Robertson. “I expect him to send me a whatsapp thread of his twitter feed and responses to his threads thread on the nuances of using wingback play at tournaments any day now.”

For his part, Williams stated that he, “doesn’t pretend to know all the answers,” however he followed this up with a thread online as he stated, “the FA and the USSF are really the problem for enabling terrible managers who don’t even know how to run a rondo during training.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams claims, “the US would be Denmark handily if they would just hire Klopp.”

Youth Soccer Player Plans Short Professional Career Before Transitioning Into A Mediocre And Unfireable General Manager For An MLS Team

TAMPA - Youth soccer player Jarrod Dawes stated that he was planning on having a short professional career before transitioning into a mediocre and unfireable General Manager for a Major League Soccer team.

It’s mostly the coaches fault, or the players fault, or even the owners fault. Never the fault of the General Manager.

“I’m going to ensure that I have just enough professional experience so that I can move into the front office without too much judgement, continue to collect a paycheck, and hide behind the poor efforts of my team,” stated Dawes to The Nutmeg News. “People will say that I have a,’unique insight to the league,’ while I make chicken shit out of chicken soup with unbalanced roster constructions that I can blame on the weird MLS league rules. If I play this just right the fans will talk about how it’s not my fault the team always underperforms even though ultimately I’m still the person putting together the team that gets our coach fired every 2 to 3 years.”

Sources say that Dawes began understanding the unending ability of an MLS General Manager and Technical Director to endure even the worst online criticism as he looked around the league at the number of players leaving teams, coaches fired and the same general managers staying and rotating around the teams as they continue to do a terrible job managing the rosters.

“It’s job security,” stated Dawes. “No one REALLY knows what my impact is necessarily and I can always blame bad luck, poor coaching, not having results that show our true quality, or a league conspiracy against us. Plus nearly every team makes the playoffs which is the bare minimum for claiming that we are building to something special every other year.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dawes circles Atlanta United as his first club to attempt getting a Technical Director job in 15 years when Carlos Bocanegra finally leaves.