Belying recent results of not doing a damn thing on time, the lazy copywriters of The Nutmeg News turned in their "Ashley Cole Retires To Los Angeles Galaxy" story nearly on deadline, shocking the editors of The Nutmeg News.

"We clipped most of this from the Steven Gerrard story," said head copywriter David Morrow to himself on Monday evening in an interview with himself called Morrow on Morrow. "Honestly, the editors made us work over Christmas so this is the best they get. They are lucky we didn't just write a headline with no content at all and a picture with a caption of 'we are day drinking at the office and no one cares about this story' but then everyone would likely think we are talking about the Galaxy front office."

CTRL-C + CTRL-V and then let's call it a night, boys!

"There were a lot of different jokes that we thought we could use, but they were all just perpetually utilized over and over again, so we just went with the absolute base joke of the league and team being a retirement league," stated Morrow into a dictaphone while riding an elevator to the bathrooms that are usually empty on the 4th floor.

"There was a momentary debate about utilizing some Cheryl Cole in-jokes, but we all came to the same agreement that we didn't care enough to come up with something original"

The Nutmeg News can confirm that while the piece was handed in on time, the story was thought of as being derivative and unoriginal while trafficking blatant platitudes, dripping in cliche and utilizing the same methodology as previous columns.