CHICAGO - US Soccer officials today announced that despite Chuck Blazers admission of wide spread corruption in FIFA and CONCACAF regarding the World Cup and Gold Cup, that everything was completely on the up and up recently.

"THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO NEED TO INVESTIGATE FURTHER" said an irate Sunil Gulati. "Sure, the 96, 98, 00, 02, and 03 Gold Cups may have had massive financial irregularities, corruption and bribes, but we have resolved all of these problems by ensuring that we gave control of the Gold Cup over to an opaque organization with absolutely zero oversight by anyone. Clearly if there was smoke there would be fire and there is no reason to change a horse midstream in the desert while eating ice cream with ketchup gloves. STOP ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT SUM. Won't someone leave Don Garber the hell alone?"

US Soccer also took the moment to announce the 2015 Women's World Cup mascot "Unbelievable Distraction" a scantily clad ethnic stereotype mascot said to be conceived by Chuck Blazer on the outside chance that he needed a way to make people pay attention to something other than himself one day.

TNN will have more on this as information comes to light of the massive corruption that exists within the hallways of CONCACAF.