WASHINGTON - In response to recent criticisms of the D.C. United front office by fans such as the District Ultras, the D.C. United front office rolled out their new campaign which states, "The Customer Is Always Wrong."
Photo: Patrick McDermott/Getty Images
"We are almost there, boys! If we have no fans by the time we move into the new stadium we can increase pricing for the inaugural season!"
"We realized that if we stopped caring about our fanbase and told them that they were wrong that they would just have to accept it, because our attendance is shit anyway," stated general manager Dave Kasper. "We had a general front office and ownership meeting about our fans at the end of the 2014 season and we decided that we don't really like them. It behooves us to remove all the elements that we don't like before we move into a new stadium where we don't want the ruffians around that might bring down our team value."
Reportedly, the D.C. United front office is trying to flip the team for a tidy profit two years after the stadium at Buzzard Point is built and has plans to collectively buy a Brooklyn Brownstone with the money.
"We actually called Merritt Paulson to ask him about how to tell fans off, but he told us that his fans just end up loving him anyway for doing so. He really didn't have any advice on how to actually get fans to stop showing up to games," stated Mr. Kasper to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "So we called Jorge Vergara, who told us that the key to pissing off a fanbase was collectively apathy on and off the field, unreasonable sanctions on fans, increasing ticket prices, failing to keep promises and finding a way to ensure that the front office is a bigger story than the team on the field. We also reached out to Andrew Hauptman about this issue and he told us that the best way to reach a fanbase is to insult them by OP/ED online followed by not talking to them for the next few years and complete ineffectiveness on the field."
Sources within the D.C. United front office stated that if they can reduce the size of the supporters groups, they can sell more field level tickets at a higher price when they move into the new stadium so it behooves the team to eliminate as many fans with dissenting views as possible.
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the D.C. United front office talks about invalidating the season tickets of any fans that dare challenge them in order to resell them to anyone else that wants the seats.