Denver, CO - Larry Contor told friends and family that his local physician, Dr. Stephen Wannamaker, increased the dosage of prescribed soccer in an effort to snap him out of his general feeling of shit that pervades his life.
"You should be watching 20% more Liga MX and 50% more USL games, then call me in the morning of the 17th. Please don't tell me the score of the Querétaro - Veracruz game, because I want to watch that on delay, later."
"Mr Contor told me that his various social media feeds on Twitter, Facebook, Reddit and even Instagram are a non-stop carnival of death, killing, hate, people fighting against hate and people telling other people why they are wrong," stated Dr. Wannamaker.
"I advised him to ignore those people, and increase his dosage of soccer to include Liga MX, NPSL, USL, Premier League Rumors, MLS, NWSL, the Olympics and any current team playing anywhere at any time on YouTube live. Hopefully these soccer distractions will allow him some kind of momentary feeling of peace before he logs back on to Facebook to see videos of people being shot by police, other people shooting at police, refugees dying, people using bombs everywhere, horrific abuse, staggering corruption, complete incompetence, and friends professing horrifying ideologies."
The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Contor as he parked himself in front of a television to watch the Germany v France game yesterday afternoon.
"This is the only way I'm getting through this, right now. I'm just going to try to enjoy a blissful moment when I can, where I can, and the only thing that is helping me is soccer. Everything else in this social construct we call existence has seemingly fallen apart, but I'll continue to try soccer as a method of coping, even though it really isn't working. I might as well try to find something good in this world, even if that good thing is a just a skillful back-heel by Antoine Griezmann."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a depressed Mr. Contor tries to find a glimmer of hope by sitting in a darkened room eating ice cream with his phone turned off and a USL game streaming via YouTube.