TORONTO - A leaked version of Don Garber's state of the league speech shows that the Commissioner of Major League Soccer (MLS) will open his statement with the stanza, "Columbus, what a shithole, am I right?"

Sit down if you hate Columbus! Everyone?! That's why we are moving them!

Reportedly, the Commissioner then proceeds to lampoon Columbus in a stand-up influenced routine for roughly 10 paragraphs before closing that portion of his speech with the statement, "Take my Crew, PLEASE," as he completes a planned wardrobe change into a cowboy hat and boots.

Sources indicate that Commissioner Garber spent the last month working comedy clubs in New York in an attempt to sharpen his witty repartee as he moves alongside Anthony Precourt to rob Columbus, Ohio of the soccer club they've supported for 21 years.

In documents passed to The Nutmeg News, revision 2 of the State Of The League speech shows Garber planning on the press from MLSsoccer.com responding in a positive way to his comparisons of Columbus, Ohio to a destitute mid-western town living in the past as it contains the measure ** WAIT FOR LAUGHS ** as Garber makes an Alex P. Keaton reference to Reaganomics.

"We are here for trickle down economics and we will trickle down all over the city of Austin," states paragraph 9 of Garber's screed against Columbus

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber and the Major League Soccer expansion board make certain to let Cincinnati know that this could NEVER happen to them.