CHICAGO - US Soccer announced that they would be shutting down after an order came in from the White House that all sons and daughters of immigrants, regardless of status, would be deported.

WELCOME TO GLORIOUS NATION OF UNITED STATES, PRESENT YOUR PAPERS TO PLAY STATE GAME OF BASED BALL.

"This federation, this country and this sport literally exists because of immigrants," stated President of the United States Soccer Federation, Sunil Gulati. "My parents immigrated to Connecticut from India when I was five years old. IT WOULD BE MASSIVELY HYPOCRITICAL FOR OUR ASSOCIATION TO STAY SILENT ON THESE MATTERS."

Sources with the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) stated that they couldn't find a single person involved with US Soccer who wasn't, in some way, the product of immigration both by legal and illegal means as is defined by the country.

"We decided to close the whole thing down. Soccer is socialism, and it is globalism at every level," stated the director of the INS, Jeremy Thatcher. "We find that nearly every single player, every single coach, every single director came from somewhere else either through themselves directly, their parents, their grandparents or their great grandparents. Many of them weren't aware that their parents and grandparents immigrated to the United States illegally. They just accept that since they were born here that this means they are fine. WELL THEY AREN'T AND THEY ARE TAKING OUR JOBS AT RIGHT BACK. So instead of just maliciously targeting Latinos and Mexicans like we usually do, we are just going to go after everyone."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Geoff Cameron personally volunteers to deport anyone ahead of him in the depth chart.