San Jose, CA - Earthquakes fan Charles @billybills2026 Sanders stated that, “it’s completely coincidental that this Twitter outage coincided with the happiest I’ve been in over a month,” as he quickly fell back into his old routine of perpetual outrage, anger, and being completely judgmental at the things he habitually reads that originate from this technology hellscape.

“I’m not addicted to Twitter,” stated Sanders as he quickly glanced at the app on his phone in between buckling his seat belt and starting his car. “I just use it for news and information on the Earthquakes….. and to keep up with my fellow fans….that I now hate…. because I’m on Twitter.”

Sanders indicated that he first started using Twitter recreationally over four years ago before recently having a moment of clarity as he realized that he was half-drunk and shitposting on the app at 1:30 in the morning in the bathroom of a dingy motel as he lashed out in anger at random celebrities, sports figures, politicians and friends alike who all are trying to figure out how to wrestle with the intrusion of everyone’s personal thoughts being crammed into their head.

“I can absolutely quit any time I want,” stated Sanders as he posted a ranting thread against the referees in MLS that generated responses in agreement from his fellow fans and negative responses from an anonymous Galaxy fan who has taken it upon himself to just respond to everything that Mr. Sanders posts with a crying baby gif and profanity laden direct messages.

“I tried to block that guy but he just keeps creating new accounts,” stated Sanders. “I’m not letting it bother me though,” lied Sanders to us and himself as he admitted that most of the time just the simple act of surfing his timeline makes him extremely unhappy.

“This year though, I’ve taken to just using Twitter from time to time, for like goal videos and lineups and shit,” stated Sanders as he scrolled through 86 different tweets that made him angry from accounts that he doesn’t follow that were forced into his timeline from the likes and retweets of friends that he doesn’t have the temerity to unfollow nor the courage to mute. “It’s going to be fine, i just feel moderately depressed most of the day, but who doesn’t these days.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sanders states that he’s leaving Twitter… on Twitter… only to come back online within the week.