WASHINGTON - D.C. United fan Wilson Evans expressed his exasperation with the world at large as he claimed, “It’s only January and I’m almost too numb to give a shit.”

NEVER A BAD TIME TO BE BUMMED OUT BY WHAT ROCKETS OUT OF YOUR CELLPHONE INTO YOUR BRAIN!

Furrowing his brows and rubbing his temples, the soccer fan admitted that between all the political maneuvering, the sense of fatalism that grips the Impeachment proceedings, the growing pandemic in China, the Australian fires, the Hong Kong protests, the continuing and growing divide between political factions, the scandals with the local D.C. council government, the inability of his paycheck to go up despite the increase in the cost of living, the rising costs of medical care, and the eternal, unending tenure of Jason Levien, Steve Kaplan and Ben Olsen that he really is at the limit to care about anything at this point.

“I’m supposed to be excited about the standing section,” stated Evans in a monotone voice as he kept glancing at the phone in his hand. “So, yeah. Anyway, um. What was I talking about?”

According to the statistics on his phone, the amount of hours Evans looks into the box of depression increased steadily over the last six months as he curiously ignores television shows and movies that he plays for himself at home in order to focus on whatever unbelievably awful news comes out of the screen of the iPhone in his hand.

“I saw a Red Bulls fan the other day when I was driving and I just didn’t give a shit. I thought about yelling something… you know… fuck yourself or something, but honestly I’ve got Uber, Lyft and Grubhub stickers on my car and I need to work these extra jobs if I’m going to afford some tickets this year.”

The Nutmeg News has more on this as an exasperated Evans sits at his coffee table and tries to rack his brain for any way he could possibly make more money or correct his life to some kind of existence where he doesn’t just watch Youtube travel channels and dream of something different.