We gathered a group of strategists together to survey the landscape of Major League Soccer and come up with 10 different ways for Kroenke Sports Enterprises to fix the Colorado Rapids. Here are the suggestions they gave.

President Snow seen here surveying the Capital prior to presenting the tributes for the 456th Hunger Games.

#1 Sell the team to someone that cares

Stan in his Roger Stone cosplay glasses.

#2 Sell the team to someone that cares

Stan ready to hornswaggle another city into paying a boatload of money on seat licenses.

#3 Sell the team to someone that cares

NOBODY TELLS ME TO NOT LOOK AT THE SUN. I OWN THE SUN.

#4 Sell the team to someone that cares

Secret Agent Stan comes with moving trucks and pink slips.

#5 Sell the team to someone that cares

Basketball Stan comes with a bad contract to Will Barton

#6 Sell the team to someone that cares

Arsenal Stan comes with a luxury box and an inability to hear your songs.

#7 Sell the team to someone that cares

Old School Stan comes with a Marv Albert wardrobe

#8 Sell the team to someone that cares

Merv Griffin Stan comes with his own walk on music and special brown tie!

#9 Sell the team to someone that cares

Finger wag Stan would like you to know that it’s not really his fault. Mostly because he tries not to think about you or his sports teams at all, if at all possible.

#10 Sell the team to someone that cares