Orlando, Frorida - Commissioner Don Garber announced that with COVID-19 defeated across North America Major League Soccer will have their teams head back to their home markets to play games after the MLS IS BACK THE TOURNAMENT tournament is finished.
No, this is not a Plague Inc map.
“We want to congratulate the frontline workers, scientists and epidemiologists that helped control and defeat this pandemic across this country,” stated Garber. “Finally we can return to our home stadiums and crowds to play soccer.”
Sources indicate that the numbers of infections and cases do not support what the league is saying, but that didn’t put a damper on the day.
“We are absolutely thrilled to have the opportunity to sell tickets and concessions again,” stated one anonymous MLS owner. “Did you know that I almost lost MONEY in this endeavor? Sports aren’t about losing money it’s about MAKING money.”
We spoke to a random doctor and probable communist agitator spreading fake news at a clinic in New Jersey who stated, “What?! This isn’t over at all! It’s more widespread in the country than at nearly any other time.”
However, to counterbalance this negative spin we spoke with Presidential doctor Sean Conley who stated, “Worse case scenario we will just inject all the players with hydroxychloroquine…. as long as they don’t kneel for the anthem.”
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the current death toll of the pandemic in the United States crests 160,000 people (in six months) which is almost 3 times as many deaths as American soldiers were killed in Vietnam (in 20 years)