CHICAGO - In light of Major League Soccer abandoning the oldest soccer tournament open to any men’s team at any organized level of competition in the United States, league officials today announced the 2024 US Closed Cup, an invitation only tournament sponsored by Doritos 4 Loko.

“The US Closed Cup reflects exactly the kind of exclusionary mindset we need to cultivate on this grind,” stated Don Garber, commissioner of Major League Soccer. “What we need less of is the history of the Fall River Marksmen and more of the future history of friendly tournaments between Miami and Al Hilal.”

Sources say that insiders were aghast at the cold shoulder given by Major Leauge Soccer to the 109 year old institution however they were quickly assured that, “This is really making all the millionaires and billionaires extremely happy.”

For their part, the owner investors of the league stated, “We could really give a rats ass what the fans want. What we need is more money. RAISE THE BEER PRICES.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the future will record the stupidity of Don Garber during his life and he really won’t care.