Rec League Roundup: Players Commitment To Offense Only Surpassed By Complete Disregard For Defense

Denver, CO - On FC Aurora, teammates of midfielder Jeff Coogins remarked that his remarkable commitment to offense is only surpassed by his complete disregard for defense as the bulldozing midfielder again abandoned his position to push forward for a chance at goal.

DAMMIT JEFF! GET BACK IN POSITION!

"He's a maniac in the midfield," stated Suaib Hassan, the central defender who has to cover for Coogins marauding runs. "He is fully committed to offense, I'll give him that, but I'm incredibly tired from having to cover him running up-field every chance he gets."

According to sources, Coogins stated, "I'm not tracking back for that shit," as FC Aurora gave up another counter attack goal. Coogins also stated, "I'm OPEN.... I'M OPEN," as he proceeded to abandon his position in an effortless attempt to copy the total football sides of the Netherlands that he read about just recently in Brilliant Orange.

Reports from the field indicate that the game finished with FC Aurora losing 8-4, however Coogins scored 2 of the 4 goals.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Coogins debates changing teams to one where everyone is, "just more chill about this stuff. It's rec-league, man."

 

Still No Canadian Teams As Discrimination Continues In The 104th US Open Cup

Soccer teams from Canada were, reportedly, outraged as the rampant discrimination in the US Open Cup tournament continued for the 104th year with the announcement that not one single Canadian team made the tournament.

Now this is a proper crest.

Halifax men's soccer teams Athens Too and Metro Mariners FC stated that they complied with every necessary requirement to enter the tournament only to grievously be overlooked for the United States championship.

"We are a strong Canadian team from Halifax. We aren't going to be afraid of some MLS team with their money," stated Mariners player John Jorgenson. "Just wait til they have to come here to play a game, then we will show them how to play."

Calls to US Soccer were not answered as The Nutmeg News searched for reasons as to why there is such a discrimination against Canadian teams.

"We don't know why this keeps happening," stated director of Timbit procurement for Athens Too Stephen Harper. "We just know that one day a Canadian team will have a chance to play for the US Open Cup if we just keep working at it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we chase down an answer from US Scocer on their rampant discrimination.

Schweinsteiger Refusal To Commit To The Chicago Fire Winning The World Cup Shows Distinct Lack Of Desire

CHICAGO - As #BastianWatch nears its inevitable nadir, most experts agree that the refusal of Bastian Schweinsteiger to commit to the Chicago Fire winning the World Cup shows his distinct lack of desire that likely lead to his commitment to this league in the first place.

"I'm an expert, and I agree."

"I'd say that this shows exactly why he is in Major League Soccer," stated director of Footballing for his sons U-8 rec league team and advocate for Promotion/Relegation in Major League Soccer James Whitworth. 

"This is some idiocy," stated Issac Burdow, reporter for the Chicago Sun Tribune and man who just finished the first chapter of Inverting the Pyramid. "If Schweinsteiger won't commit to the Fire winning the World Cup, then why is he here? For the paycheck? Get out."

Meanwhile, owner Andrew Hauptman insisted that the Fire were ready to compete with Mexico and Paraguay during the qualification stages stating that the Fire were just one DP away from being able to, "effectively challenge against teams on an international level if our fans don't get in our way."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this retirement league when they decide to commit to a 10 year plan towards winning the World Cup.

Chicago Fans Arrested For Repeatedly Chanting FIRE FIRE FIRE At O'Hare Airport

CHICAGO - Reports swirled that numerous Chicago Fire fans were arrested at Chicago O'Hare airport after repeatedly singing the stalwart Chicago Fire supporters terrace favorite FIRE FIRE FIRE chant.

Time to break out those Bayern Munich and Manchester United kits!

Fans were warned by Airport security that repeatedly singing the song, which only contains the word fire, would not be allowed.

"They threatened us with arrest," stated Chicago Fire fan Dale Gordon. "This is bullshit!"

The Nutmeg News spoke to security at O'Hare airport who stated that the warning wasn't for the usage of the word Fire in an airport, but rather that the one word chant is just really fucking annoying.

"We just couldn't stand hearing it over and over and over and over again," stated director of Terminal Security James Verploeg. "At least they could include another word, right?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans continue to yell FIRE in an airport.

 

Riverhounds Fan Misses Hertzog Goal While Staring At Placid Serenity Of Monongahela River

Pittsburgh, PA - Pittsburgh Riverhounds fan Tom Campbell admitted that he missed the season opening Riverhounds goal by Corey Hertzog as Campbell was blankly staring at the placid serenity of the Monongahela River.

Look over at the play, Tom! COME ON, MAN!

"New York scored and I was staring at the river thinking about riverboat captains and how people used to travel during the 1800s," stated Campbell to The Nutmeg News. "I didn't know that Hertzog was going to score such a great goal. I had to wait until someone uploaded a gif to actually see it."

Campbell states that with his seats in section 108, that he sometimes just daydreams about travelling down the river towards the distant frontier as he stares at the passing boats.

"It was a tough day for me, to be honest. Prior to the game I consumed a burrito and the contents were weighing upon my constitution. I just stared out at the river and was thinking about old steamships when everyone started celebrating."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Campbell attempts to not be distracted by the paddle wheel boat cruising up and down the river... and .... what if we all went back to that simple time when people dressed up to get on boats and.... oh shit... is that another goal?

While Having A Serious Look In The Mirror, Minnesota United Defenders Give Up Additional Goal

Minneapolis, MN - At the behest of head coach and cannon fodder Adrian Heath, the Minnesota United defense took a serious look in the mirror at themselves and proceeded to give up another crushing goal just two days after their debacle against the New England Revolution.

 Chris Christo - Boston Herald

"Coach said that we needed to take a look at ourselves in the mirror," stated defender Vadim Demidov. "So we did, and we let in another goal. It was terrible. We asked the coach for better instructions on how to stop letting in goals but he just kept screaming at us to seriously look in the mirror and that this honest self reflection that stop them from scoring."

Apparently, while the back four of Minnesota United stared at themselves in the mirror intently, Juan Agudelo ran through the bewildered back line and struck home another goal putting the tally at 6 goals on the weekend.

"I didn't know there would be enough space out there, but it was easy," stated Agudelo. "They just kept talking about needing to stare at themselves in a mirror and really figure out why this is happening. I thought they would have actual instructions to do things like play compact, stay in front of the ball, prevent crosses into the box and stop the leaks, but they kept shouting at each other to look in the mirror."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Minnesota United defense switches to hand mirrors to aid mobility.

NPSL Supporters Group Experiences Massive Membership Growth

Mishawaka, IN - The Fozzie Bears, an NPSL Supporters Group, stated that a membership drive and reach out program for the upcoming season succeeded as they experienced massive growth for the 2017 season with a 100% increase of supporters to bring their membership to a bulging group of four.

Scintilating Action! THUNDEROUS support!

"Well, Jerry talked to Sam," stated Director of Membership, President, Treasurer and T.I.F.O designer for the Bears, Larry Esterhaus. "Sam talked to his wife Kym and they both bought some tickets. This year we are going to be a force to be reckoned with, in the stands."

Reportedly, with their supporters section doubled to four, the Bears are planning some new elaborate displays and chants for the 2017 season.

"We are already planning on really getting involved making T.I.F.O for the season," stated Esterhaus. "I'm planning on bringing some fabric over to Jerry's house for our poker and beer night and we are going to see what we can make with a bunch of sharpies. It's going to be amazing. I've also got a bunch Kenny Loggins chants for this year. Nothing says topical chants like digging up a song that will guarantee everyone knows how old you as you sing it to a bunch of unpaid amateurs who weren't even born when Kenny Loggins was at his peak. As we say, MishaWAKA-WAKA-WAKA! Go Fozzie Bears! We are the best supporters group in the land!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fozzie Bears dissolve into disagreement over Capo Jerry's insistence of using a megaphone to direct the other three members in chants.

 

Jeff Plush Replaced By An Inanimate Pot Of Geraniums

CHICAGO - According to reports from the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL), Jeff Plush was finally replaced as NWSL Commissioner, after stepping down, by an inanimate pot of geraniums which immediately gave a terse, "no comment," on the North Carolina HB2 law, any further league expansion, and the transfers of Carli Lloyd, Crystal Dunn and Alex Morgan.

"I have no comment."

The pot of geraniums did indicate that it took on the role as commissioner until a suitable long term replacement could be found for Plush as it truly loves the game of soccer and really needs to have fertilizer every two weeks to encourage growth.

"We feel that the pot of geraniums can lead us to a bright future," stated the Deputy Commissioner of the NWSL, a half buttered slice of toast. "With the season about to begin, it was incumbent upon us to ensure that we had a commissioner in place and a plan for growth. There is no better representative of the US Soccer commitment to the NWSL than this pot of geraniums and we feel like it will be a great representative going forward."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Geraniums makes another "no comment" statement on the Houston Dash and the new Texas bathroom bill.

New Study Proves That A Drunken Idiot Will Be The Fan From Your Team Interviewed On Television

A new study by the Hollbrook Society, in conjunction with the RAND corporation, proved conclusively that a drunken idiot will be the fan interviewed by local and international news when they come to your town, soon.

"That fan that sits near you that everyone hates? Coming up on sports after the break!"

"We studied set up fan interviews, fan on the street interviews and anything that was set up ad-hoc for a pre/post game interview," stated Director of Statistics and Broomball theory Theresa Spande. "Our data proved, conclusively, that the fan that the international and local news will interview is nearly 100% guaranteed to be a drunken idiot incapable of forming any kind of complete or coherent sentence."

Researchers say that the demographic, in the United States and Canada, of the fan interviewed is likely to be Male from 20 to 35 years old with a blood alcohol level of .08 or higher with a 50% chance of wearing a national team kit or English team kit to a club game with a front office scarf.

"We noticed that they typically appear highly intoxicated, and have a 60% chance of resorting to some kind of patronizing speech patterns. There is also a 75% chance of a 'woo' statement in place of some kind of meaningful information, as well as a decent chance of the fan referring to the interviewer by their first name, if the interviewer is an attractive woman."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we look closer at the data that proves that the guy you know that spent most of the morning downing tequila in the parking lot is the one now talking to the British reporter about the upcoming game and fan culture in North America.

"Look, I Need An Article On Bastian Schweinsteeger Up In 30 Minutes... I Don't Have Time For Facts Or Spell Check"

"No, I don't have any time for this shit. I've got a blog to update, phone calls to make, work emails to answer, two daily scrums to attend in the morning and another at 4:30 pm, a number of bills that I haven't set to auto-pay and a crippling inability to stop scanning instagram.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR SPELL CHECK

Here is what I'm going to rely upon.... Wild hyperbole? Check. Blanket Statements? Check. Gross generalizations based upon his age? Check. Positing questions about Bastian to myself in a written format and then answering them exposing my general lack of ability to generate a narrative other than questioning myself? Check.

We all know that the lack of playing time and where Schwien.. ugh.. ok.. look lets talk about his last name. I don't have time to spell check this shit. I need this blog post up NOW. Hell, I needed this blog post up about 2 hours ago. We all know it means pig something Pig Schteiner. Something to do with beer or thatching or some shit. 

Also, I just got an email from MLS saying he is signed, so this blog needs to get updated NOW. NOW NOW NOW.

Wait, which world cup did he win? Screw it, I'm just going with World Cup Winner, as well. Thanks for the tip, random email.

Now I'm going to answer these work emails, call Richard and Ted, file a report from Friday and then I'll finish writing this post. Dammit! Ives scooped my first angle and Hot Time In Old Town already has their post up. Well, no time to wait, I'm just going to run this shit anyway.

Ok, here we go. It's YOLO time! Do kids say that anymore? PUBLISH!"

 

Humble Atlanta United Fan Only 75% Certain That Team And Supporters Are The Best In The World

Atlanta, GA - Humble Atlanta United fan Sam Regenold admitted that he was only 75% certain that the team and supporters groups of Atlanta United are the best in the world.

La Bombonera? oh... bless their heart.

"I can't, in all confidence, state that Atlanta United and our supporters groups are the best in the world," stated Regenold to The Nutmeg News. "I'm just 75% certain that we are the best in the world. You see our crowds? Enormous. You see our games? Electric. I'll tell you that we would take down the star studded Chelsea, Barcelona and Madrid with the simple passion that we have in the stands before our starting 11 ripped them apart on the field. Those international fellas would have a shit-fit, I'll tell ya what."

Regenold revealed, to this reporter, that it is his firm belief that you can't compare Atlanta crowds to their North American counter parts.

"You have to look at the rest of the world, when you talk about Atlanta United. You have to look at the Balkans, at Italy and Sweden. And they don't even have a Varsity, there. You can't get tuned up on onion rings in Serbia. Try drumming to a beat with grease covered fingers. It's difficult."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Regenold searches "Atlanta United Fans" on twitter in order to educate the haters about the Atlanta United crowd.

Revolution Fan Watches Each Game With Conflicting Emotions

Norton, MA - New England Revolution fan David Winters admitted that he watches each Revolution game, this season, with conflicting emotions as he desperately wants the Revolution to be good, which would prove that Winters was wrong about the 2016 offseason.

Not a great start, but then again... it IS a small sample size.

"I don't want to be right, but I am right," stated Winters to The Nutmeg News. "I'd rather be wrong, I suppose, and have the team actually be... well... you know... good. But if I'm going to be right and the team is going to be bad, than at least I was right about it and recognized it early."

Winters spent most of the 2016 off season talking about how the Revolution never addressed any of the glaring weaknesses of the team from the 2015 season and that he was convinced that they were going to struggle this year. 

"Look, I don't want to be right. I don't need to be right. I'd rather be wrong, but I wasn't wrong. I was right. And as painful as being right about the team that you love being awful can be, well... I guess that at least I saw it coming. That's really the best I could hope for, at this point. We DID score a goal, so we have that going for us."

Friends of Mr Winters pointed out to him that the season is only two games old, but this did nothing to sway the opinions of the Revolution fan as he categorically stated, "Heaps is out by July. Book It."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Winters watches each game hoping to be wrong.

Basque-Italian-American Excited To Have Excuse To Drink For Three Straight Days

NEW YORK - Basque-Italian-American Billy Buzetti admitted that he was absolutely excited to have another excuse to drink for three straight days as St. Patricks day dawned with a pint of Guinness in his hand and an obnoxious green hat on his head

Go........um.......whats the team.... oh.... VILLA... GO VILLA... Er... NYCFC.

"I've got St Paddy's today," incorrectly stated Mr. Buzetti. "I've got March Madness for the foreseeable future, the Premier League in the morning, the NYCFC home game tomorrow, more MLS all day if I decide I care, the premier league in the morning on Sunday and somehow more college basketball. I'm going to be drunk for a long, long time."

Reportedly, the lack of Irish ancestry gave Mr Buzetti an even stronger desire to associate himself with the United States cultural tradition of getting absolutely shithoused on a random Friday.

"Woooooooooooo!" reported Mr Buzetti as he downed another pint of Guinness and asked for a bloody mary. "Let's go Irish and I'm going to need to find a ride or something out to the Bronx tomorrow for the game. Anyone want to give me a seat, in their car?"

Here's a seat.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Buzetti plans to get really drunk, sober up a bit for lunch and then start drinking again to catch up.... you know... for the Irish or something.

Tim Howard Plans On Checking Passports To Ensure That No One Crosses The Line

Denver, CO - After enlisting in the Don't Cross The Line initiative promoted by Major League Soccer (MLS), goalkeeper Tim Howard indicated that he would personally check players passports to ensure that no one crosses the line.

Bruce will make the USMNT great again, right Tim? 

"I'm a firm believer in borders. I'm a firm believer in patriots. I'm a firm believer that there's no more sacred duty than standing for your national anthem. I'm a firm believer that you don't need to vote to talk about any of the above, and I'm a firm believer in America for English speaking Americans," stated Howard to The Nutmeg News. "I plan on ensuring that no one crosses the line without my say-so."

Reportedly, Howard confused the diversity, equality and inclusion initiative by MLS to mean that the league was working to keep dual nationals from taking Howard's job. 

"It's my prerogative to state that we are a nation of English speaking Americans who don't need passionless immigrants coming in to take our soccer jobs. I still think it was a... disgrace that the entire post match ceremony of the Gold Cup was in Spanish. You bet your ass, if we were in Mexico City the ceremony would not be all in English. CONCACAF should be ashamed of themselves. DONT CROSS THE LINE!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Howard patrols the Arizona/Mexico border in a rented Humvee.

Rogue MLS Accounts Arrive To Spread Dank Memes After League Crackdown

 LOS ANGELES - What started as one "unofficial resistance" Twitter account has grown to a list of... well... one "unofficial resistance" twitter account after Major League Soccer (MLS) executives upset about dank memes and viral gifs cracked down on the Los Angeles Galaxy.

STAY ON BRAND!

Within the last few hours, @RogueLAGalaxy was set up on twitter by someone claiming to be within the team front office to allow the dissemination of hastily cobbled together gifs, references to Cozmo, and erotic prose featuring Mike Magee's chest hair. 

"THE MEMES MUST FLOW," stated the twitter account which already is verified and sending out information on discount ticket sales for the upcoming Galaxy game against Montreal. "We are the resistance. We are the underpaid. We are the gif'ers in the night. We strike back against the league hegemony. We will be using this for our LinkedIN profile," claimed the account as they tweeted out photo-shopped pictures of Baldomero Toledo in a clown costume.

The start of rogue, resistance MLS accounts has purportedly spurred other teams to capitalize on this trend with the Portland Timbers stating, "We will have a rogue account eventually. Good for branding. Stay tuned."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS attempts to find the whistle-blowing memers in their midst.

Expected Goals Tells Fan Nothing About Her Team

Dallas, TX - FC Dallas fan Virginia Reynolds admitted that Expected Goals did not tell her anything about FC Dallas and their week two result against Sporting Kansas City.

Oh....................................................ok.

"I looked at the numbers, and they seem like a reflexive arbitrary set of data points that don't really reflect anything that would really concern me long term," stated Reynolds to The Nutmeg News. 

"At first, I was afraid that I was missing some grand metric that would illuminate what the team is doing, but then I realized that expected goals adds absolutely nothing to my life or my enjoyment of the team. Expected goals, for me, shows nothing other than the metric that it is and even that isn't something that is vitally important to the understanding of the game of soccer. I've gotten a very zen approach, now, to expected goals in that I know it will show up full of fury, signifying nothing."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Reynolds attempts to understand how expected goals will tell her, in conjunction with the Audi Player Index, how FC Dallas are going to play against Pachuca.

Soccer Blogger Working Overtime To Shape Data To Fit Narrative

Philadelphia, PA - Blogger David Thornberry stated that he was going to be working overtime in order to shape the data that he acquired on the passing metrics of Michael Bradley to fit his narrative.

"Regardless of whether my supposition is true or not, I need to ensure that the data I collected fits the idea that I had in the first place," stated Thornberry to The Nutmeg News. "I didn't do all this work, write this piece, and collect this data to have my post fall apart because somehow they don't fit together."

Reportedly, Thornberry came up with a hypothesis on the effectiveness of Bradley in the midfield for the United States National Team before he actually had any data to back it up. He then spent weeks writing his column before realizing that the information that he collected likely did not support his thesis. 

"It's important to understand that things don't always go your way, but finding that your collected data doesn't support your hypothesis doesn't mean you should stop," stated Thornberry. "You just need to ensure that you crop, cut, dissect and massage that data until it forms a goop that you can use to plaster that column together. After all, you have a blog to update and factual information isn't going to keep me from posting an article full of hyperbole and assumptions."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thornberry relies on his "Damn The Torpedos" methodology to generate more pieces on analytics in the game.

 

Allegations Of Weather And Match Fixing In Minnesota As FBI Close In On Heat Miser Cartel

Minneapolis, MN - Allegations of weather and match fixing during the recent Minnesota United and Atlanta United game were stated as the FBI announced that they are closing in on the international Heat Miser Cartel

They both root for United.

"We  believe that what we have here is the attempted match fixing of an MLS game by two notorious criminals," stated FBI director and Fancy Feast gourmand James Comey. "We understand that there were a high number of unusual betting patterns being placed by known associates of the Heat Miser Cartel. As well, members of the Snow Miser Yakuza were inquiring into the variability of soccer contests by weather manipulation, according to deep cover operatives."

"They waged an all out war on each other. Snow, blood, gore and viscera on every street corner. It was hell on earth. This game was just a pawn in their struggle for control," -- Deep Cover Operatives

Sources with the FBI indicate that the Heat Miser Cartel and Snow Miser Yakuza had a substantial amount of money riding on the game and Snow Miser operatives stated that no South Town soccer team was going to win in Minnesota.

"Heat Miser paid off the referees. Snow Miser countered by dousing the stadium in snow, thinking it would hinder the SouthTown players. The war escalated out of control," stated the FBI operatives known as Operation Brass Bells. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the FBI investigation into the Heat Miser Cartel continues.

Kellyanne Conway Accuses USL Teams Of Being Turned Into Cameras To Spy On Donald Trump

WASHINGTON - Kellyanne Conway, Counselor to the President of The United States, stated that USL soccer teams were turned into cameras, last season, to spy on Donald Trump during the 2016 Presidential race.

WE KNEW IT!

"Just like your common kitchen microwaves, USL soccer teams like the Pittsburgh Riverhounds, St Louis FC, and the Charleston Battery were turned into cameras by President Barack Obama to spy on Donald Trump," stated Conway to The Nutmeg News. "We all know that there are teams spread around the country. The amount of teams in the USL allowed Barack Hussein Obama to run a comprehensive surveillance group by soccer teams on our President Trump on specific Saturdays and Sundays across the United States."

The Nutmeg News reached out to some of the USL teams implicated in this scandal and received no reply thus confirming every lurid and insane detail the the counselor to the President would suggest.

"We all know that the NASL did this as well," continued Conway. "However, the New York Cosmos would not participate. They are true patriots and President Trump will not forget the names of the glorious patriots that aren't immigrants or Muslims on their team."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Conway accuses the NPSL as being infiltrated by paid alt-left communist sympathizers and black bloc dissidents.