BBC Hires Alexi Lalas To Provide "Balance" In Match Of The Day Hosting Crew

LONDON - In the aftermath of the refusal to appear on air by members of its Premier League “Match of the Day” (MOTD) hosting crew, the British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) made a surprise move to hire an additional commentator to provide “balance” - former Fox Sports soccer commentator Alexi Lalas.

The change arose after long-time MOTD commentator - and 1986 FIFA World Cup Golden Boot winner Gary Lineker made Twitter commentary criticizing the current UK government’s refugee asylum policy. The BBC, in response, required Lineker to “step back” from his MOTD duties, citing the “controversy” around Lineker’s comments. This led to the entire hosting crew of MOTD- including Premier League all-time goal leader Alan Shearer indicating they also would step back from their MOTD duties, in solidarity with Lineker. As a result, during the weekend of 11/12 March, the BBC’s Premier League programming consisted only of match highlights, played without commentary.

The BBC was left in the unenviable position of having to potentially continue MOTD as a host-less program, until Richard Sharp - Chairman of the BBC received a fortuitous phone call from a fellow media executive. “{Fox Broadcasting Founder} Rupert Murdoch called me up the day after the Lineker controversy started,” said Sharp. “His first words to me were, ‘have I got the man for you!”

Lalas - a former US International who had an unsuccessful trial with Arsenal’s reserve squad will join the recently reinstated Lineker, Shearer, and the remainder of the MOTD hosting panel, to provide what Sharp characterized as “balance.”

“Alexi is the perfect person to add to Match of the Day,” stated Sharp. “We prepared for him a briefing book outlining the social and political positions he would be expressing, and he immediately committed to adhering to them. He will, however, continue to have free reign to antagonize viewers with his footballing opinions, just as he has in the US for the past fifteen years.”

Lalas welcomed the opportunity to reach a new audience, and said he was studying up in preparation for starting commenting duties in the week of 18/19 March.

“I have little experience with the Premier League, but soccer is soccer so i feel confident I will be able to have an opinion for any match that the BBC airs,” said Lalas

Questioned whether he was familiar enough with Britain and British culture to effectively engage with the BBC’s audience, Lalas also expressed confidence. “[UK Member of parliament] Jacob Rees-Mogg was kind enough to send me a copy of the collected speeches of Sir Oswald Mosley and Enoch Powell, which I have been studying intently. I feel now I am fully prepared to understand and relate to the audience that the BBC wishes to attract.”

Major League Soccer Announces 2024 Stadium Self Care Partnership With Satan's Inflamed Anus

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced a 2024 Stadium Self Care sponsorship with Satan’s Inflamed Anus, in order to deflect from their recent partnership with Ticketmaster, the actual spawn of the devil.

“Satan’s Inflamed Anus should really pull the focus from our partnership with Ticketmaster and allow people who are sitting in our stadiums to take care of their body for the rigors of sitting for 90 minutes,” stated Mark Abbot, president of Major League Soccer.

Sources indicate that MLS executives are excited for fans to try out Satan’s Inflamed Anus in conjunction with Ticketmaster as they look forward to the 2024 season with glee.

“Much like Ticketmaster, Satan’s Inflamed Anus has a 432% markup,” stated one insider. “And we feel that our fans will feel the relaxing heat of Satan’s Inflamed Anus when they sit down in the stadium with a $17 beer and a $24 plate of nachos to enjoy a $230 sideline ticket to watch $43 referees avoid calling a penalty against their $2 team.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Ticketmaster resale sight promises direct fan to fan taxes and fees.

USMNT Fan Concerned That Team Isn't Going To Qualify For 2026 World Cup

Omaha, NE - Stating, “The US Soccer Federation is SABOTAGING the competitive future this team,” on his personal substack, USMNT fan Jason Brewster exclaimed that he was highly concerned that the team wasn’t going to qualify for the 2026 World Cup.

“What have they done,” stated Brewster before responding to his own question with a passionate, all-caps missive that read,”NOTHING.”

“These jokers are going to take so long to hire a competent head coach and bring in new players that we are going to miss a golden opportunity to qualify.”

According to column #432 sent to only his Patreon subscribers, Brewster stated that the US Soccer Federation (USSF) could, “look into Basketball and football players who have the height and the athletic ability to really make a difference that the small Spanish and Argentinian teams can’t combat.”

When questioned about this by his friend Ezra Williams, Brewster stated that he was just, “thinking out loud about how great the American athlete is and he wasn’t being serious,” despite finishing column #432 by stating, “I’m deadly serious about this working.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Brewster claims that what he meant was, ”IF we had to qualify, not that we weren’t going to qualify.”