Columbus S.C. Lose First Game In Franchise History

TORONTO - New Major League Soccer (MLS) franchise Columbus SC lost their inaugural game to Toronto FC as they started their debut season with a 2-0 loss on the road.

“We are looking forward to our first game at our temporary home, but the boys are admittedly eager to play a game in their home stadium when it opens,” stated head coach Caleb Porter.

Columbus S.C. will start the season playing at the home of the, now, defunct Columbus Crew, a former professional soccer team in the area.

“We are looking forward to building a team in the area and we hope that fans of the Crew will come out for Columbus S.C.,” stated Columbus S.C. President Tim Bezbatchenko.

The groundshare at the location of the home of the Columbus Crew has not gone on without some acrimony, though, as fans of the recently shelved team protested the new team with vigorous intensity.

“We want the Crew back,” stated one anonymous fan. “And we won’t rest until this other team is gone.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the management of Columbus S.C. insist that they will listen to the fans as long as they agree with everything they say.

Haslam Sports Group Appoint Johnny Manziel To Spearhead Columbus SC Transition

Columbus, OH - In light of the ongoing dissention among the Columbus Crew fanbase over the transition to Columbus SC, Haslam Sports Group (HSG) announced the appointment of former Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel to spearhead the Columbus SC transition.

“We need this situation completed successfully,” stated the Haslam Sports Group. “And we expect Johnny to really help out the team here by helping us ensure that the transition of the name is complete without being intercepted.”

Crew fans were reportedly aghast as rumors swirled that the name change was to be completed regardless of their feelings, however HSG hoped that the Manziel acquisition would smooth over the hurt.

“Johnny can hopefully bring some of that Browns magic with him,” stated Dee Haslam. “We hope that we can really bring the Browns Way to Columbus and allow our fans to truly experience what we’ve been building in Cleveland for the past 9 years.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Manziel gets picked off the day he starts the job.

Robert Kraft States That He's, "Optimistic About A Revolution Stadium," For Record 27th Year

Boston, MA - Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Revolution, stated that he is, "Optimistic about a Revolution stadium," for a record 27th year as the quest to continue stringing along the fans of the local soccer team continued unabated.

THIS time it's true! I GUARANTEE it.

"I'm absolutely optimistic about a Revolution stadium," stated Kraft as he continued to ensure that the team has zero advertising and operating budget. "I looked at some dirt, recently. I liked that dirt. It reminded me that I should be optimistic about a stadium."

Reportedly, Kraft became optimistic about a New England Revolution stadium when he was working on some business for his one true love, the New England Patriots, and realized that he hadn't made a statement in some months about a stadium project that seems unlikely to ever manifest.

"It's been some time since I hinted at something that hasn't happened, and I needed to set the record for the 27th year in a row."

Research shows that Kraft has been optimistic about a Revolution stadium since the team was founded back in 1994 and that his ability to promise and not deliver is somehow reflective of the way in which he runs the Revolution as some kind of absentee father who realizes that his child has good grades and promises to spend more time with them before heading down to the bar to drink with the Patriots fans.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kraft remembers to be optimistic about a Revolution stadium in 2022, 2023, 2024 and 2025, as well.