Major League Soccer Ready To Take Credit For Keeping Crew In Columbus After Trying To Rip Crew Out Of Columbus In Secret

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today indicated that they were stepping ever closer to taking credit for keeping the Crew in Columbus after trying to rip the Crew out of Columbus in secret.

“We are proud to announce a deal to keep the Crew in Columbus,” stated MLS Commissioner Don Garber. “This is after we were proud to facilitate and help with a secret move for the team before fans found out what we were trying to do and banded together to stop the league from ripping away their team.”

Insiders with the league state that they are happy to seize the narrative from the fans in Columbus and make it seem like the league wasn’t involved in trying to actively help kill the team for the past 3 years.

“It’s a great time for controlling the narrative,” stated one anonymous league source. “MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. ….. See, if you say it enough everyone will start believing it to be true.”

According to Commissioner Garber, the fans were moderately helpful in their support but that the league deserves the credit for saving the team as he mentioned the support of the fans in helping the league make a profit off a scenario they created when they allowed Anthony “I kick puppies for fun” Precourt to exercise an option to move the team to Austin.

“We are excited to sell the team we hoped to kill not more than 8 months ago,” stated Garber. “We make some money, he makes some money, he moves his team to Austin and we reframe this whole thing like we are the good guy.”

The Nutmeg News will likely have more on this when the league tries to do it again.

American Soccer Fan Celebrates Boxing Day By Pretending Everyone At Work Gives A Shit About Soccer

Minneapolis, MN - American soccer fan and Newcastle United enthusiast Paul Smith celebrated the annual return of Boxing Day by going to work and pretending everyone there gives a shit about the soccer games on the day as he tried to stream the Newcastle v Liverpool game using a phone carefully positioned on his knee below his cubicle desk.

WOOOOOOOOOOOO IT’s the day that Lennox Lewis fought and defeated Margaret Thatcher for the England Premiership Title brought to you by Bovril.

“Great day for the premier league,” stated Smith to a collected grouping of co-workers attempting to pour coffee and make oatmeal out of the hot water tap on the coffee machine while avoiding general eye contact with each other. “Really big implications at the top, you know.”

According to co-workers, no one who showed up to work today gives a shit about Boxing Day or the Premier League as they dutifully stare at their cubicle wall trapped in a hell of their own making as they contemplate whether it is too late to go run a dive shop on a beach somewhere on a remote Pacific island.

“Hoo boy, I bet that Benitez can really exploit some space behind the back line if we can just stop giving up the ball in our defensive third,” stated Smith to the departing backside of work-friend James Murphy who was in no mood to listen to anything to do with soccer after he spent all day yesterday attempting to rescue a drone he accidentally flew onto the roof of his apartment complex.

Smith attempted to pretend that he wasn’t at work by wearing a new Minnesota Vikings sweatshirt given to him by his Grandmother and draping a Newcastle scarf over his cubicle wall in order to have his every appearance on the day unsuccessfully scream, “I AM NOT AT WORK.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Smith attempts to stream the Arsenal game in the bathroom stall at work while forgetting that the speaker volume on his phone is on max.

Soccer Blogger's New Plan To Make It In The Industry Involves Driving For Amazon

NEW YORK - After spending Christmas morning reading a long form column on The Atlantic written by former Sports Illustrated columnist Austin Murphy about his new career with Amazon, blossoming soccer writer Brooklyn Anders-Hertzfeld applied to Amazon as a package delivery specialist in order to make it as a soccer writer.

“Now THIS is how I’m going to start my career in full as a writer,” stated Anders-Hertzfeld as he skimmed over the part in the story where Murphy detailed that he had to take a piss test. “I spent four years in school learning how to write only to watch the industry implode. I can’t wait to finally take my next step at becoming a published writer for The Atlantic, Sports Illustrated, The Washington Post and Pete’s Totally Radical Soccer Blog by delivering packages 12 hours a day.”

Friends state that Anders-Hertzfeld applied to nearly every website and newspaper out there and was instantaneously rejected for nearly all of them expect for the Des Moines Register which offered him a lucrative career covering High School sports with an emphasis on the local prep to pro pipeline and 4-H meetings.

“I’ve had a long career working for SB Nation so I feel like I’m overqualified for the position,” stated Anders-Hertzfeld. “I’m looking for something more hard hitting than generic local sports and it appears that Amazon is a pipeline to the front pages of The Atlantic. Plus, I get to be just like Bukowski… you know… working in the post office, being depressed, moodily smoking cigarette and talking about hot stew. I can’t wait.”

The Nutmeg New will have more on this as Anders-Hertzfeld fails his piss test and considers shitposting online instead.

Atlanta United Sell Greg Garza In Order To Fund, "Making It Rain," At Magic City

Atlanta, GA - The front office of Atlanta United, the 2018 MLS Cup Champion, traded off left back Greg Garza, today, in order to fund, “making it rain,” on the Philip F. Anschutz trophy at the Atlanta strip club Magic City.

WHERE INDEED!

“We had a great time last night,” stated one Atlanta United front office staff who for some reason really wanted to remain anonymous. “And we made it rain a little bit, but we wanna go to that Big Boi level and really set the place off.”

The Atlanta United team visited the local strip club and entertained the dancers and patrons alike with the cup as they enjoyed some lascivious entertainment after their championship parade.

However, locals report that the team quickly ran out of money when they attempted to “big time” the ladies on the stage and made a necessary call.

“If the boys need to make it rain, we will make it rain,” stated one anonymous Atlanta United front office member. “We called up Cincinnati on the spot and within an hour or two we had some TAM to transition into some real money. We are going to use that Garza money there and at the Clermont, later.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Atlanta United consider trading Brad Guzan for a trip into the Champagne Room.

Merritt Paulson Quits Twitter For Record 63rd Time

Portland, OR - Portland Timbers owner Merritt Paulson announced that he was leaving the social media platform Twitter for the 63rd time as he bid adieu to Twitter, deleted the app, re-installed the program, and then deleted the original quitting notification, then re-posted it again, deleted the app, and thought about re-installing it before getting an email about off-season player acquisition strategies.

“This puts Paulson in rarefied air,” stated Twitter statistician Boris Gudjonson. “While we have experience a variety of Twitter celebrities leaving and coming back over the years, Paulson’s frequent departures put him up there with unverified Twitter user Jeremiah @BongHitsForJesus Smith of Oklahoma who left the program 64 times over the past year due to rage quitting after reading Donald Trump tweets.

Fans state that they are shocked Paulson is leaving as this is the first time that he has ever even remotely threatened anything like this.

“How will I cope if I cannot read the words,” stated Timbers fan Paul Sanchez. “Where will I get my information that I pass off as insider information to my friends? How will this all work out?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Paulson returns and then quits again before anyone actually knows that he was even back on the platform.

Atlanta United Announce Victory Parade For 2019 Season As well

Atlanta, GA - After owner Arthur Blank announced Atlanta United’s victory parade for the 2018 MLS Cup that hasn’t been played, he also announced the upcoming victory parade of 2019 MLS Cup stating, “WE ARE GOING BACK TO BACK.”

Reporters say that the energetic Blank was roaming the stage daring everyone and anyone to say anything to him after announcing a win in 2018 and 2019.

“WE ARE GONNA WIN THIS GAME ON SATURDAY, HAVE A VICTORY PARADE AND THEN WIN THE CONCACAF CHAMPIONS LEAGUE AND THEN THE LEAGUE IN 2019 AGAIN,” stated a loud Blank who proceeded to become winded and sit down. “Yes, you heard that right. We are planning the parade, we have the merchandise printed up and we are READY TO GO!”

According to league sources, Blank asked that the game just be considered an Atlanta United victory so the team could hold the parade on Saturday to increase the attendance.

“I don’t want this 2018 MLS Cup Victory Parade to conflict with church on Sunday or work on Monday,” stated Blank to The Nutmeg News. “We all know that we are gonna win this thing, so why not just have Portland forfeit the game and let’s call it a day.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Atlanta United fans react absolutely positively to this breaking news.

USMNT Fan Planning On Waking Up Even Earlier Than 2018 Tournament To Watch World Cup Without United States

Omaha, NE - After hearing the games could start at 4:00 AM during the 2022 Qatar World Cup, United States Men’s National Team (USMNT) soccer fan Chaz Anderson III stated that that he would plan on waking up even earlier than 2018 to watch a world cup without the United States participating.

“I’m planning on my 3:00, 4:00 maybe even 2:00 am wake up times, BOYS!” stated Anderson to his friends. “The United States probably won’t make it again, but that’s not going to stop me from waking up early and crying about the fact that we didn’t make it to all the other people on Twitter at that time.”

According to friends, Anderson woke himself and his frathouse up every morning with a massive, “USA - USA - USA,” chant to watch the games in Russia despite the United States missing the tournament.

“Bro, this won’t stop me, ok?” stated Anderson to The Nutmeg News. “I won’t stop like the U.S.A. FUCK YEA won’t stop ever except that time where we stopped against Trinidad and Tobago and I don’t want to talk about that because that place is a shithole, ya dig? MY BOI PREZ!”

With his patriotism at an all time high, Anderson boldly proclaimed that the US would make the next World Cup but that if they didn’t that he would complain very loudly and still watch the World Cup but just compare every single team to the United States as he did six months ago.

“Yeah, bro, it’s gonna be epic. We gonna get on that 3:00 drink drink drink juice it up with the fancy brews and that super styled out wild party madness.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson graduates and tries to put the pieces of his post college life together so that by 2022 he isn’t sitting in an apartment by himself eating bacon from the microwave and watching “what could’ve been” videos of Christian Pulisic’s national team career.

Timbers Fan Talks About How Much Better It Was Way Back In MLS Cup 2015

Portland, OR - Timbers fan Randy “Bugz” Smithe reportedly waxed nostalgic about MLS Cup 2015 as he spoke about not attending MLS Cup 2018 to his group of friends at the new Kombucha Speakeasy that opened up 20 minutes ago in his SE Portland apartment building on Monday evening.

“Oh man, those were the times when you could really get to know people and it wasn’t all this corporate bullshit there is now,” stated Smithe to the group of friends that spent the day discussing how the patriarchy influenced local donut shops in the area. “We were all really bonded back then, not like now where it’s everyone for themselves.”

Smithe was ranting based upon a single tweet that he read online that incensed him so fully that he took his disgust to his close circle of friends that tolerate his ever growing beard and clear rimmed glasses.

“I remember when you could get an apartment in South East for $1300 a month and you could see Vance Joy in downtown and now it’s all this band that I don’t care about and the Timbers in this Sponsored MLS Cup bullshit. I didn’t move here in 2014 to watch everything I loved about this town disappear because my team became good. I lived through that season.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Smithe doesn’t attend a watch party because it’s just too much capitalistic group think.

Sponsored Atlanta United MLS Cup T.I.F.O To Read "Eat Mor Chikin"

Atlanta, GA - After revealing that their Eastern Conference Final T.I.F.O was offset with sponsorship dollars, Atlanta United supporters groups stated that in payback for the financial help that their MLS Cup Final T.I.F.O will read “Eat Mor Chikin” as an advertisement for their secret benefactor Chick-fil-A.

“This is part a of a deal that we made to obtain the financing in the first place,” stated one anonymous Terminus Legion member. “We weren’t 100% certain that we were going to make the finals when the contract was signed so it’s a bit unfortunate, but honestly we are tying this into some other clever two-sticks that will really play on the Timbers being chicken.”

Sources within the Atlanta United supporters groups state that while they aren’t entirely satisfied that their finals T.I.F.O will be a sponsored message that at least they are advertising local for a company based out of College Park, Georgia.

“Ok, so we aren’t supposed to use sponsored dollars? Whatever. I’ll gladly take a little third party money even if it means we need to advertise the new concept store opening in Nashville that will allow you to order catering and delivery in a 5,800 square-foot location where 4,200 square-feet of that location will be dedicated to kitchen space. That’s more than two times the size of a normal Chick-fil-A kitchen! Anyway, go Atlanta United and Eat Mor Chikin!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Clermont Lounge becomes the official club of section 135.

Soccer Journalists Celebrate Finally Being Able To Turn In Berhalter To USMNT Columns

Soccer journalists the country over exhaled and celebrated as they were finally able to turn in their Berhalter to the United States men’s team columns that they first wrote over two years ago when Jurgen Klinsmann was fired from the position on the 21st of November 2016.

“I had to update all the dates and times like 10 times,” stated Sports illustrated writer David Hughes. “It’s been sitting in my drafts for like a year and a half now.”

Editor Langdon Howard stated that he almost submitted the column twice because he thought the announcement was imminent so he actually missed the initial deadline today because he couldn’t believe it was finally happening.

“It’s over? It’s finally over?” stated Howard to The Nutmeg News. “Holy shit, wait… you’ve got to be kidding me, did they actually announce this? No. Really? Ok, don’t take offense at this but I’m going to need to verify because this has been a long time coming.”

Washington Post writer Dash Lonely celebrated by opening up a celebratory bottle of vintage Cutty Sark and starting to drink before he quickly worked on submitting his column and updating his resume in case they decided to simultaneously fire him in a downsizing move for the company.

“HELL YEAH! THE WAIT IS OVER,” yelled Lonely as he updated his LinkedIN profile. "I can’t wait until I get a chance to write the postmortem on his career. I’m just going to copy/paste from my two different Bruce Arena columns.”

The Nutmeg News will have more this when Berhalter moves on to a better job coaching the USWNT.