Portland, OR - Statisticians with the bureau of labor indicate that the amount of actual work being performed in Portland is trending towards a record low as Timbers fans await their playoff game against Kansas City on Thursday evening.

Hard to go into the office to advocate for bike safety, urban development and better city stewardship of roadways when my soccer team is in the playoffs.

The Nutmeg News spoke with US Labor Board representative, data counter, and part time burlesque performer Heather Grant about this issue, "We are seeing a record number of companies struggling to just stay functional as people are wistfully looking out the window, watching youtube videos of their favorite games and planning on trying to leave without anyone noticing them putting on their Timbers coat, facepaint and 26 scarves."

Richard Morgan, director of the Portland school of German phrasing and ecumenical discourse, stated, "I've been getting ready since this weekend and slowly spending most of the day in the bathroom texting friends about how excited I am. I've got a few different routines that I like to perform before I head to the stadium including blessing all of my bikes with holy water and then only eating at a food cart that represents the Timbers as well as my own dietary restrictions. It's difficult as a gluten free vegan that only drinks fair trade beverages to find more than 5 or 6 food carts in my pod that also have a partnership with the Timbers and serve meals that I can correlate with Kansas City, but I make due."

While this trickle down issue with productivity is worrisome for management, many workplaces report that they are seeing no difference between this and any other Thursday in Portland "Someone brought in donuts from Heavenly, Voodoo, and Blue Star to finally have a blind taste test. So yeah, we are a bit excited." said Darren Kilpatrick from the Portland Inter Urban Running Association.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this productivity drain when we refill our typewriter with a new ink tape.