In the interests of journalistic integrity, The Nutmeg News editors kept the words issued herein verbatim from our interview to reflect the authenticity of the situation in Columbus.. The views of the individuals in this story do not reflect that of The Nutmeg News, its editors and most of its interns.
Columbus, OH - With the Major League Soccer (MLS) Final only days away, the city of Columbus is preparing itself for the thousands of Portland Timbers fans to arrive. As with all major sporting events, prostitution trafficking spikes as pimps shuttle in sex workers from all the neighboring cities to try and meet the rising demand. However, as many pimps are now discovering, Portland residents are more discerning in their tastes and are creating a new twist for the world’s oldest profession.
"Do you or any of your lady friends know about bio-regional separation and secession?
“We quickly realized we were going to have to change up our game,” stated area pimp Reverend Big Spenda. “You see, we have a customer here with a very unique taste and world conscious mindset. I can’t just open up my stable and send my hoes running willy-nilly into the streets to shake their ass and think that’s going to work like it does with Ohio State fans.”
We asked Reverend Big Spenda how he plans to meet these new demands. “Bitches need education. They need to know how to communicate and connect with these fans on their level. If one of my hoes can name me five craft beers I send her out to prime hotel locations directly. If one can explain what gluten actually is, she’s out on the street on my choice blocks. If one of my women can give me a reason why a water supply shouldn't be fluoridated, she gets the high dollar rate. But if any of my fine ladies is unable to separate trash into the proper bins, well then they get shown the door. Reverend Big Spenda keeps his pimp hand strong, and you best be knowing compost vs garbage, straight truth.”
While some pimps find themselves struggling, others are finding that the influx of Timbers fans fosters the optimal breeding ground for the environmentally conscious pimp looking to boost their profits while reducing their carbon footprint.
“I didn’t know if I could supply what these Timber fans wanted,” says Sugar Dick Man Poppa Large, winner of the 2013 Rust Belt Pimp of the Year contest. “While I’ve got hoes that can lick their own belly-buttons not a single one of them could keep up a conversation on free trade agreements. I decided that I needed to change myself to better understand my customer and better myself. I started by swapping out my ’64 Impala for a hybrid. I made all my girls go vegan. I even tried riding my bike more but it’s nearly impossible in 8-inch platforms. I’m now feel like I’m doing my part to save the planet while my girls are turning tricks and earning $60 for a half-and-half. Dicks up, emissions down.”
Not all area pimps are so quick to change their game. One pimp who agreed to speak to us on the condition of anonymity went on record saying, “Hey, clearly these Portland fools ain’t got no taste or style. Shit, my momma could give them an around the world and they’d switch teams and root against themselves. Motherfuckers don’t even know.”