NEW YORK - Celebrity spokesman, Geritol user, and a man who played so long ago that your parents talk about watching him play, Pele, issued a press release on two of his favorite topics Thursday. The former soccer star and highly touted "best ad pitchman in the world if you have sandwiches or other sandwich related items or really just some money, even 10 dollars will do, Pele will leave a customized voicemail message for about $3.50" spoke out about his two favorite topics, sandwiches and the NY Cosmos.

"I think the people of the world should try the new Crispy Chicken Double Meat Feast Extravaganza," said Pele. "They will enjoy the near contrasting styles of 48 slices of pepperoni and a rare chicken that is only found in the highlands of East Ann Arbor, Michigan. One can say that THIS is the best sandwich in the world right now. Also, the NY Cosmos should be in MLS. The Cosmos are like Quiznos to the delicious Subway right now. No one likes Quiznos because they do not have Pele! And who does not need Pele, and Subway and delicious MLS money that melts in your mouth like the buttered snails of St Lucia.

So for the Cosmos, MLS. For your mouth, Subway. And for my wallet, another endorsement deal from Subway and perhaps you bring home some 'Bounty' from our friends at Proctor and Gamble. As well, please buy Always feminine pads. Always, when you need to be fresh and dry.... As fresh and dry as Pele is when talking about Subway, Always feminine pads and Major League Soccer! Pele! Subway! COSMOS!"

Pele's press release then dissolved into nothing but buzzwords and the words "Garber Shall Prevail."

TNN will have more on this as it continues. Sponsored by Subway. And Always. And Proctor And Gamble. And Pele. COSMOS. PELE. MLS. COSMOS.

PELE.