NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS), today, announced a groundbreaking television deal to broadcast games in China. In the same press release, Major League Soccer indicated that despite all the recent sponsorship deals they still believe that their players are nothing but greedy bastards who don't deserve a penny more or real free agency.

"We truly believe that our future is in the television rights of the countries outside the country in which we currently play. We also believe that our players don't deserve to see a single red cent of that money because they are talent-less hacks who don't deserve the league that we give them. Granted we have signed a number of new sponsorship and television rights deals recently which will pay the league large amounts of money but at the same time we want to point out that our players deserve none of this. While it is true that we built the league entirely on their backs and have intentionally made it difficult for them to get paid a living wage during the early days of the league as well as obfuscating the way in which they can move about the league, the reason we did all that is because they are shit." said Commissioner of Major League Soccer, Don Garber. "The best way in which we can move forward is to create a massive amount of sponsorship and figure out a way in which the salary cap never increases which will increase the profit margin that our teams make while we work on expanding our bottom line."

The players union representative for Major League Soccer had the following to say, "We totally agree with Don. We just aren't worth the finances they don't want to pay us and that's why we caved at the beginning of the year. We wanted just a few percentage points, and the illusion of free-agency. Congratulations to Major League Soccer on their rights sponsorship in China and we hope to be able to save them some money going forward."