Fan outrage over the selection of Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard for the MLS All Star Game has been shown to bring out the nihilist in all of us as we search for our own meaningless meaning in a world of radically self inflated worth that is really just ultimately futile.
"All the consternation over the commissioner's picks underscore the very fact that the Major League Soccer All Star Game is 100% worthless in every measure save for the fattening of the wallet of the bourgeois elite" said director of pessimism for the Brookings institute John C Scott.
"Even those measures of making money are ultimately useless as we all die and turn into the ground and the dirt eventually melts away into the apocalyptic cataclysmic solar events that turn any kind of something into a permanent kind of nothing after a few billion years."
Despite the upbeat news from Mr. Scott, there are those that still try to couch their concern for this meaningless annual tradition in the realm of actual competition. However, as TNN found out by speaking with James Erastmus (professor of symbology, numerology and phrenology at the university of De Vry) this ideal of the All Star Game is really a cover for someone's burgeoning nihilism
"Their very act of admitting that they care about something they should have no care about is itself a disturbing and erotic act of anarchy. We all know this to be true, that All Star Games have no inherent meaning. However, the basis of that meaning is brooked by those who actually pretend to care in the first place. It is an artificial value, a raised and insider traded commodity. We all know this to be true and we try to force our own moral constraints on the ideals of the All Star Game. The sooner that we accept that which we know, that the All Star Game is devoid of meaning save to make money for those that already have money, which is itself a nihilistic task, then the sooner we can obtain a true perspective in the negative space of the world."
While this all seems like a load of shit, The Nutmeg News has been able to confirm that out of this MLS ASG trouble a new form of fan has come into being, Ecumenical Ultras Against Form (EUAF). The EUAF will assist others in the uniting under one faith of the rejection of all faiths, primarily that of the atavistic belief in All Star Game. The EUAF will help unite and then disperse all believing ultras into the world of nihilistic petty belief that (in fact) the Major League Soccer All Star Game truly does mean nothing. Their important work begins with the rejection of meaning in ASGs combined with wandering in a circle around a town hall hitting oneself in the face with a stack of uncounted alternate selection ballots for Giovinco while muttering in low guttural tone, "LI-AM.... RIDGE-WELL.... STE-VEN.... GER-RARD....FR-ANK.... LAM-PARD" Once allowed into the brotherhood you are never allowed to enter an online vote for any all star game, even to screw over the members of the team that is your rival as this still inscribes the value of value rather than that of non-value and meaningless trite pap.
And this is something we can all believe in.
The Nutmeg News will have more on this (I mean maybe, it really means nothing) as it happens.
(or not)