Albany, NY - The rights to Alex Morgan's body and career were announced as taken after an online "dibs" was verified by the Bank of Royal Scotland.
MINE. MINE. MINE.
The "dibs" was reportedly performed by Stephen "MAX FLOW" Grammercy, a 17 year old high school student from Albany, New York. Mr. Grammercy is a member of the chess club, president of the Latin club and an all around pervert who comments on women's photos online.
The Nutmeg News asked Mr. Grammercy how the acquisition happened and he had the following to say, "I saw this picture of my bae online and was like, 'she's looking totally fine, n'shit' so I just said dibs, cause I know that she wants some of this."
With women clearly not having any right to their own choices, bodies or careers, Mr. Grammercy availed himself of the age old system of foisting his own desires on the body of Ms. Morgan by utilizing the dibs system. A bid of dibs was announced on a photo, it was confirmed by three other people online, and then verified by the Bank of Royal Scotland as being correct. According to the by-laws of the International Council of Douchebags, if a dibs is performed the woman must subjugate herself to the man's wants. Also, the dib bidder will receive his "props" from his ICD friends, who will also, according to proper decorum, remark "No, I had dibs on her first."
Ms. Morgan will have to now surrender herself to the whims of Mr Grammercy for all eternity and attend comic-con by his side dressed as the woman of his choice. "She's gonna make a bomb-ass Slave Leia #bae #dibs #myboo," posted Mr. Grammercy to his snapchat with a picture of Morgan in a bikini.
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Grammercy goes online to try to secure the first dibs on Sydney Leroux.