On Monday morning, that new player on your team that no one really knows anything about decided he had, "Plenty of time to get ready before the season starts" as he started power loading House Of Cards on Netflix and eating creme donuts.
THIS IS TRAINING FOOD.
According to rumors, this player realized that the season doesn't start until March and two months is more than enough time to shed the weight he picked up over the holiday season.
"After all, it's only MLS" he drunkenly stammered to a group of friends at a New Years Eve party after he demolished more than a few champagne flutes and a bowl of Velveeta Cheese and Ro-Tel. "I've got more than enough time to be prepared."
Supposedly his other teammates have been running sprints, working on selectively building mass in the gym and trying to improve their touch during the off-season, but this specific player feels like it'll all be ok because of that one stint he had with a J-League team back in 2010 when he absolutely, totally smoked all the players in the pre-season beep test before he didn't get a contract because of, "Totally bullshit political reasons."
The newly minted MLS man posted a staged photo of him doing planks hashtagged on the fans hashtag to his Instagram account with the words "Doing WORK!" before he collapsed in the workout center of his apartment, went upstairs, drank some bourbon spiked egg-nog, ate some Christmas cookies, ate some fudge and then collapsed while he debated whether or not he needed his insulin shot.
"I keep telling everyone, it'll be fine. I'll just play my way into the season. It's going to be great. After all, it's only Major League Soccer. I'm on my way to the English Premier League."