San Francisco, CA - The National Football League (NFL) has, reportedly, offered Peter Nowak a head coaching position with the San Francisco 49ers after it became evident from released documents, due to his lawsuit, that Nowak was a power crazed megalomaniac that denied the existence of concussions and hazed his rookie players.
Nowak during happier days, from big soccer.... that place you said you would never visit again, but you started surfing the archives and half your day disappeared.
"This is the kinda fella we NEED back in the NFL" stated Jed York, CEO of the San Francisco 49ers. "We've been inundated so much with these touchy-feely wimps that talk about the health and safety of our players it is nice to finally hear about someone withholding water on a forced 10 mile run and calling concussed players pussies."
While the Philadelphia Union remained mum on the Nowak lawsuit, former players stated that they thought Nowak would do well in an environment with absolutely no safety checks where unadulterated masculine tendencies take form in what is essentially gladiators slowly killing each other for the entertainment of millions.
"Yeah, It's all fun and games until he tells you to rub some dirt on your torn hamstring and calls you a pussy for getting a drink of water" said one unidentified player. "He should do great in the NFL. Fuck that guy."
This is my ball. There are many others like it, but this one is mine. My ball is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my ball is useless. Without my ball, I am useless.
The Nutmeg News attempted to speak with Nowak, but we were informed that he was attempting to convince Rolston Williams to march the Antigua and Barbuda national team players across the country over to a private beach where they would build Nowak a summer house in the blazing sun while Nowak plays Wagner over loud speakers and screams "WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION" when someone drops a nail.
Artist interpretation of Peter Nowak on the Job.... and that worked out fine for everybody in the end, right?