WASHINGTON - D.C. United ownership, today, announced their 2017 plans to keep Ben Olsen as head coach and flame out of the playoffs in the first round again detailing an explicit plan to keep TRADITION alive as they announce new stadium renderings in the coming year.

Five more years of Bennyball! And more gloves! WAY MORE GLOVES!

"With Ben, we plan on keeping our commitment to playing poorly through most of the year, catching fire, making the playoffs, then failing to advance," stated United owner Erick Thohir. "It's important to our motto of TRADITION to keep the consistency of the past few years alive, and we feel that Ben is the best way for us to keep this playoffs thing on the cheap going."

Reportedly, the ownership of D.C. United are more concerned about their efforts to actually have a stadium in a few years, so how the team plays is not being prioritized.

"We just need to get through this construction phase, and then we will be concerned about selling season tickets. Making the playoffs is nice, but at this point we just need the team to exist for a few more years before we come back to the whole, 'winning in the playoffs,' business."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the TNN Curse (TM) catches Olsen.