Elko, NV - The town of Elko is buzzing after local septuagenarian Gerald Henderson was added to the list of prospective winners for Major League Soccer's Newcomer Of The Year award.
What is an offsides?
Henderson, who previously had not shown a single interest in soccer, was sucked into the last two weeks of Major League Soccer when he became bored with the NFL and decided that he wasn't going to get up to change the channel when an MLS game was broadcast on ESPN.
"Why, I never was understanding that soccer thing before, but it passes the time til all of our inevitable deaths," stated Henderson to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "We are all fleeting, ephemeral peoples who are slowly descending into madness and I actually have an appointment for a colonoscopy on Friday so I'm really just hoping that I'll be in shape to watch the playoff games this weekend."
As a coveted demographic of Major League Soccer outside the norm of 22 year old men and women discovering their drinking shoes for the first time, Henderson was nominated for the honor by the front office of Major League Soccer.
"He's the first person over the age of 70 in the state of Nevada to watch an MLS game," stated Mark Abbot, president of Major League Soccer. "For this reason alone he is the newcomer of the year. I hope to see him bringing on more of his friends in the future."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Henderson defeats Ola Kamara and Nicolas Lodeiro to claim his prize.