Detroit, MI - Speaking from a podium just outside an empty warehouse on Bellevue Street, the commissioner of Major League Soccer (MLS) repeatedly warned the assembled bloggers from MLSsoccer.com.com.com about the dangers of Fake Soccer and the impact that Fake Soccer has on National Soccer Elections to Major League Soccer.
Image credit: Pat Batcheller
"They want to light smoke and swear and act like fools, that's fine,” stated Commissioner Garber. “Until they are ready to accept the fact that we created soccer supporter culture in America and that MLS is the only real soccer in this country, we are going to continue to let everyone know that they are fake soccer and should be ignored. Every time they win a game or a Rust Belt Derby match we will release tweets stating that people should ignore and block @NGSDETROIT and that any win is a fake soccer win and therefore shouldn’t have attention paid to it. FAKE SOCCER!"
We asked a Detroit City fan about why they were so vehemently against an MLS takeover of their club. They spoke to us on the condition of anonymity.
"MLS keeps calling us fake soccer, but they are the ones that are fake soccer. A few of us did an investigation to see where some of the MLS rivalries came from and we were unable to find any actual sources. It appears that some of the rivalries that MLS likes to wave around to generate TV ratings were entirely fabricated by MLS. They think that they can just artificially create passion among the newly formed supporters groups for the newly formed soccer teams that never had any support before the big money was paid to Garber. This is the kind of thing that you face when giving into the MLS. Let me guess, we join MLS and all of a sudden Columbus are our big rivals, right? Screw that. They are fake soccer, not us! FAKE SOCCER!"
Our reporter brought these points up Commissioner Garber who replied, "What do you expect from a fake soccer fan writing doing an interview for a fake soccer blog? We have created the greatest soccer culture in this country and possibly in the world and we are looking forward to having our Detroit team at some point in the future. Columbus fans are excited about their new up-and-coming rivalry that is just now starting to come into its own. We expect these games to garner even more attention than the other great rivalries in MLS like Real Salt Lake and Colorado."
When asked what Gaber thought about a Detroit City fan calling MLS fake soccer he replied with, “Nuh uh, we’re not fake soccer, they’re fake soccer. When you step back and look at the big picture you can clearly see that the Rust Belt has proven that it falls for fake news during election cycles, so it’s only natural that they would fall for fake soccer as well. We're here to provide a solution to that.”
The Nutmeg News will have more on this when both sides realize that all soccer in the United States is Fake Soccer.