Salt Lake City, UT – Real Salt Lake fan Paul Mayhew has begun telling friends and family that he has obtained enlightenment regarding a method to ensure that his team will be victorious this season and bring home the cup. The Nutmeg News was able to meet with Mayhew in his home, thick with Nag Champa incense smoke, to have him present his new found discovery.
"YOU CANNOT UN-RING THE GOAL GONG........ YOU CANNOT UN-RING THE GOAL GONG!"
"I have become enlightened." A silk-bloused clad Mayhew began. "Through the process of exploring the inner-space of my own mind I have discovered the power that I possess that will ensure that my team is successful this year. You see, I have always been a superstitious fan when it comes to soccer and would find myself wearing scarves, socks, and underwear for weeks on end." He paused a moment to tap a miniature replica of the Real Salt Lake goal gong sitting on the floor next to his bean bag chair.
"I then began to think about other forms of impact I could be having. Perhaps watching it from my couch instead of my chair, or even at the local pub cost us the win. I began expanding my own consciousness and mentally examining the possibilities of the quantum entanglement effects between my own personal viewing of the match and the outcome of the game on TV." He again tapped the miniature gong before continuing.
"I became aware that whenever I watched a game, RSL would lose. The times when I happened to miss the game they would win." He then sat back in his chair, wide eyed and slowly wiggling all ten of his fingers at our reporter.
They will win, because I will not see them win and not seeing them win will allow them to win as my mind slips into the ethereal spiral.
"My spirit guide told me that this couldn’t be just a coincidence. I had been reading a lot of Deepak Chopra when I came to my realizations and discovered for myself that our thoughts become things. These things become goals. My thoughts become goals, or rather, my thoughts become the absence of goals. So now in order to win I must withdraw my thoughts until after the season has ended."
He then picked up a small wooden mallet from the table and began to run it around the rim of a Tibetan Singing Bowl while performing a Tuvan throat singing rendition of "ifyoubelievethenjuststanduponyourfeet."
After a few minutes he put the mallet down and added, "Much like the double-slit experiment where an observer affects the outcome, I now know that I am that observer. I am the quantum force that uses inner-nano support that changes the match. In this twisted turn of events the Universe now requires me to ignore and unfollow my team at every turn if desire to have them win. I love you RSL, goodbye." He then rang the gong a final time before freezing and staring at our reporter until they left.
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mayhew is not missed at any of the matches or local pubs during the 2016 season.