Detroit, MI - Major League Soccer announced an addendum to the league stipulation of a stadium for expansion if the Detroit bid will, "Just give the league 750 million dollars instead."
Shout out to Amway!
Reportedly the league has required a stadium for all new expansions but realized the value in just allowing a team to go ahead and play anyway after getting a truck load of money from the New York City FC expansion operator group.
"A stadium is good, so are fans, but money is better," stated commissioner of Major League Soccer Don Garber. "I don't want to speak out of turn but if 750 million dollars just showed up in our bank account, Detroit FC could start playing next year. Shit, we will do a deal with the Tigers, give them a small cut in on ownership and get Detroit Football Club to indefinitely play at Comerica Park just like we did with NYCFC. That way they can hammer out underhanded and backhanded deals with the local government for about 10 to 20 years while we hammer out articles like, 'Is the Detroit FC stadium coming soon?!' on our website. It'll be the Revolution and D.C. United all over again."
Sources within Major League Soccer stated that while the league relaxed its mandate on actually having a stadium if you have a boat load of cash, that they have not relaxed their mandate on having billionaire owners.
"I grew up on the crime side, the New York Times side, Staying alive was no jive, Had second hands, moms bounced on old man. So then we moved to Detroit land. Cash rules everything around me, C.R.E.A.M Dolla dolla bill y'all," stated Don Garber before he dropped the microphone off the lectern and posed for a photo.
The Nutmeg News will have more on this saga as it continues in your city.