Philadelphia, PA - 55 minutes into the recent game against the Vancouver Whitecaps, Sons Of Ben Capo Jim "Bones" Spitzer admitted that he suffered an existential crisis that left him paralyzed and unable to continue the current song on beat.
RAISE YOUR HANDS! RAISE THEM FOR ME! WHO IS LIFTING WHOM! ARE MY ARMS YOURS?
"I thought to myself, 'Why do i have such control over everyone. Do I actually have control, or is it just an illusion?' I was unable to continue singing. I was really unable to continue breathing!" stated Mr Spitzer to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "Whatever I say to do, these people will do. Perhaps I need to free their minds so they will think for themselves. I must enable the growth of the mind, the perception must be free! They must see themselves through my own eyes seeing them watching me watching them watching the match!"
Signs of this psychotic break began the week prior when Spitzer was forced to mediate his 400th Facebook discussion between two out of town family members that were arguing whether they would eat at Pat's or Geno's cheese-steaks in Philadelphia.
"I felt a slight mental twinge around the start of the second half of the Whitecaps game and I suddenly had a full disconnection with my corporeal self. Where am I? Who am I? I'm paying all this money to sit and watch people watch a game. What do we gain from all my sacrifice? Does this really help the team win? Does all my time and money spent not watching soccer help improve the game? By not watching, do I love the game more, or do I love the game less and love capoing more? Can a capo be a fan? Am I a fan of the fans who are fans of the capos? Is this a mobious strip of life that turns ever slowly while I'm watching other people watch other people watching other people while watching other people?! MY GOD, DO I EVEN EXIST?!" screamed Mr Spitzer.
It was then that our reporter was forced to show pictures of Spitzer leading the crowd in songs to verify that indeed he did exist and validate that he was indeed a capo.
The Nutmeg News will have more on this Mr Spitzer tries to center himself and align his chi with the drum vibrations on the main stand