WASHINGTON - Desperate for American grassroots authenticity, D.C. United fan Samuel Billings has removed every form of European or South American influence from his gameday repetoir stating, "I have ascended to a purely American form of soccer support"
"This is the only football that matters, anything else is a European affectation."
Billings stated that he stopped singing during games, as that is a European and South American affectation. As well, he stopped bringing instruments, stopped painting tifo and no longer pays any dues to any supporters group.
"First I had to remove the words kit, pitch, football (as it pertains to soccer), wanker, bloody, vamos, somos, lads, tifo, and shit (without utilizing 'a' or 'the' in front of the profanity) from my vocabulary," stated Billings to The Nutmeg News. "Then I forced myself to sit in absolute silence during games as I scoweled at the field and did nothing but drink horribly overpriced beer. After that I transitioned to not attending any soccer game willingly as attending a soccer game is a affectation and appropriation of an English game foreign to this soil. I decry everyone's attempt at painting what should be called banners, and do not wear Adidas, or any clothes that are not made in the United States by a United States company with ideas only generated by fans who are born and raised in the United States."
Billings admitted that doing all of these things means that he no longer attends D.C. United games, nor does he watch soccer games, nor does he follow any soccer team at all stating, "the only team I follow is the Washington Redskins because there is no American appropriation of European values in following the National Football League. Instead what we have, by following real football with other red-blooded Americans, is an American appropriation of indigenous native names and identity to the point of racist imagry like Chief Wahoo, which is completely fine and unremarkable at all for an American not copying European or South American culture to do."
While Billings admitted that he missed going to D.C. United games and seeing his friends, he said that his ability to shun all things that would make him an affectatious soccer fan is important to his ability to claim American grassroots authenticity.
"I refuse to steal from other cultures," stated Billings to our reporter. "America isn't a melting pot of cultures, It's about not allowing other cultures to influence the cultures we already stole from that we now claim as our own... or something. I'll figure it out, but I do know that I have 120 years of history telling me that hating soccer is the only true American attitude towards soccer that should exist and that real Americans watch their sport (football or baseball) in painful, stonefaced silence while getting absolutely shithoused drunk on terrible beer."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Billings tries to figure out if the jingoistic aspect of rooting for the United States National Team allows him to violate his rule of not rooting for any soccer club.