Foxborough, MA - Their streak of successful preseasons continue, as the New England Revolution continue to excel at looking for a centerback pairing and other vital defensive players that will finally bring an MLS Cup to their moderately medium suffering fanbase.
MORE OFFENSE. NO MORE CENTERBACKS!
"We are very successful at looking," stated general manager Mike Burns. "We like to look. We like to shop. We like to peer in the window at players. Looking is integral for our team. Looking is an identity for our team. Looking is where we exist. If we had a power cave, it would be stocked up with looking. We would just have stacks and stacks of boxes just filled with looking. For the past three or four seasons we have been one of the best at looking for players, and we hope to keep our preseason streak of looking for defense, alive."
According to sources, the New England Revolution haven't addressed defense in the past few years because buying is a lot less guaranteed to succeed than looking.
"They are a looking team. They like the chase, but not the purchase. According to their unreleased memos written down on a sticky pad by the official Tom Brady shrine, offense sells tickets. No one is coming to see the Revolution win 1-0. They want to win games 6-5 after giving up 3 own goals in the first half and then clawing back. It will let the Revolution media team really put together an amazing video... or at the very least some kind of general content," stated one anonymous source.
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Revolution continue to look at defense options, without purchasing them.