NEW YORK - Excel spreadsheet managers for Major League Soccer confirmed that they are ready to move the theoretical Nagbe compensation of Targeted Allocation Money, General Allocation Money, an International Slot, two bushels of corn, a haypenny, and an Evenflo baby monitor from Atlanta United to the Portland Timbers via a very difficult Ctrl-X/Crtl-V command sequence.
Like this, but with people.
"We need to move this theoretical money that isn't actual money but is more like spreadsheet lines of virtual money that the league employs to help teams employ a salary structure that resembles a Rube Goldberg financial contraption," stated director of XY Spreadsheet columns Annie Rice. "In order for us to trade Nagbe from our Timbers business spreadsheet to our Atlanta spreadsheet we need to receive the proper instructions as to how much of the theoretical money will be compensated between the two organizations so that we can adjust the commas and dollar amounts correctly."
Rice stated that she will then notify her Timbers spreadsheet counterpart how much compensation the team has received for the player in order to instruct them as to the amount of money that they now have that they didn't have before, but that no one really had before, but that Atlanta had before even though they didn't really have it all in the first place because targeted allocation money isn't real money although... you know... what is money anyway..... man...... whoa.......
"Trust me, this isn't that confusing," stated Rice to The Nutmeg News. "You just need to understand that this is all just data, not money. We are moving data around."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the spreadsheet wizards complete another trade.