NEW YORK - An ESPY party run by soccer fan Katherine Shwartz is, reportedly, currently spinning out of control as soccer's biggest night begins to take shape in the Queens apartment jammed with eager fans.

Will Ronaldo win for Best Abs? Will Messi win for Best Kiss? Will anyone ever actually give a flying fuck about this?

"THIS AWARD SHOW IS LIT," stated Real Madrid fan Kevin George. "Everyone wants to know who will win the ESPY for best soccer colonoscopy broadcast in 4K resolution as a tie in to a sponsorship deal as originally broadcast by ESPN."

Fans the world over are tuning into the network in droves in order see the C-list celebrities and bored athletes who couldn't find a reason to not get dressed up for something that is just so insanely meaningless and insignificant that it should be taken behind a barn somewhere and put out of its misery.

"It's the ESPYs," stated soccer fan Liam Smith-Barstow. "I've waited the entire year for this to come back on! I've started an ESPY pool, at work. I've even contacted each and every one of my friends about watching, who for some reason didn't respond back to me. This is probably because they are all at their own ESPY parties. ESPY! ESPY! ESPY! ESPY!"

The Nutmeg News will not have anything else on this. Seriously. We had to be talked into this one in the first place by the writer of this piece and even this disclaimer feels like a cop out.