NEW YORK - American hamburger chain McDonald's, reportedly, offered Major League Soccer (MLS) 20 Billion Dollars to change the league name to The Extra Value Menu, and institute promotion/relegation between a carefully selected grouping of leagues that represent the global chain's branding.
This is just the worst, by a large margin.
"We would purchase the USL, NASL, and NPSL as well," stated President and CEO Steve Easterbrook. "All four leagues would be combined to reflect our menu branding and all team names would be changed to reflect menu items. In this way we consider it a win for our team and a win for the fans long clamoring for their teams to have a path to the highest professional league in the United States and Canada."
According to the takeover bid, team names in Major League Soccer like the Seattle Sounders would be changed to Seattle Quarter Pounder with Cheese and the L.A. Galaxy would be changed to the L.A. Hot Apple Pie. This would impact teams up and down leagues as the New York Cosmos would become the New York McFlurry and the Sacramento Republic would become the Sacramento Strawberry & Creme Pie.
"Fans are going to love what this does for the team they follow," stated Easterbrook. "Imagine the Cincinnati Soft Baked Chocolate Chip Cookie FC taking on the Columbus Cone (Vanilla) for a chance at getting promoted to the McValue Menu. That's only one step below the Extra Value Menu, what an honor! It'll give an opportunity to battles like Duluth Parfait United to take on the Stockton Premium Roast Coffee in a battle to climb out of the Kids Happy Meal amateur league and onto the big professional stage of the McPick 2."
According to leaked documents, the league would also be required to have all referee's dressed as the Hamburgler and all balls to be decorated as a Big Mac.
"It's important for us to see vertical integration in our endeavors. We hope that all of you will turn out for the McDonald's game of the week featuring the Portland Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger versus the New England Bacon, Egg & Cheese McGriddles at the vaunted 2 Sausage Burrito's field in Foxborough.
The Nutmeg News will have more on this when McDonald's cuts us a huge check for all this corporate branding.