VANCOUVER - Jilted Vancouver Whitecaps players reportedly took turns reading from a newly discovered team Burn Book during a hyperbolic and shameful press conference on October, 30th.

Reporter Juliet Lee brought up the locker room chemistry for the Whitecaps before she was interrupted by an apoplectic Kendall Waston who declared the team situation poisonous after discovering the anonymous book. The defender howled about the Whitecaps lockeroom being a powderkeg of unchecked emotions, teenage hormones and locker room cliques.

“Kei is SUCH a drama queen,” stated Kendall Waston as he furiously licked his index finger and turned the page while reading from the book that allegedly contains all the team secrets. “He sat at the cafeteria with Cristian when he was SUPPOSED to sit at the table with Jake. And his hair is terrible too. Nicolás never passes the ball either and everyone knows it.”

All the team secrets were subsequently revealed as Waston read hot takes on Russel Teibert, Felipe, and Brek Shea who was likened to a preening geoduck ready for market. Meanwhile, a sad Russel Teibert was taken off stage while calling for team unity by Nicolás Mezquida who claimed to have seen a tall shadow leaving the locker room before the book was discovered by Waston.

Whitecaps midfielder Effy Juarez decried the usage of a Burn Book calling it sophomoric and stating that if he had his way that the player who created it would be paraded in front of the entire Whitecaps front office at the next school assembly.

The Nutmeg News reached out to forward Kei Kamara who declared the team locker room to be exactly like Heathers and not Mean Girls because it’s the reference he is more comfortable understanding at 34 years old.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we quickly determine that no one in the front office of the Whitecaps will be held to blame for the toxicity of the locker room.