"None Of The 16 Teams That Surround Me Are Authentic Enough For MY Support"

WASHINGTON - Dave Wilson, soccer fan and seeker of only authentic experiences, stated to his Twitter page, "None of the 16 teams that surround me are authentic enough for MY support," as he intentionally avoided supporting or watching any US based soccer for the 10th year in a row.

"Come back to me in 120 years when you gain a smidgen of authenticity, shitlords."

Wilson reportedly passed on a variety of teams that surround him for every reason possible as he stated, "There's not one authentic club in this country," for the 16,000th time.

He reportedly refused to support DC United, the Philadelphia Union or either of the New York teams as he repeatedly called MLS Clubs, "despotic franchises run by a cartel of men determined to destroy the inauthentic soccer culture we have in the USA."

He also reportedly would not attend or support any local NWSL team such as Sky Blue FC or the Washington Spirit as he stated, "Women's soccer isn't authentic. Their teams have only been around for 2 years and no one cares." 

Wilson also derided USL teams such as the Richmond Kickers, Penn FC, or Bethlehem Steel FC as, "clubs without history and plastic supporters who sit around waiting for another team to be formed who can pay the franchise fee and do nothing to fix US Soccer."

Wilson also derided the PDL teams such as the Long Island Rough Riders, Ocean City Nor'easters, Jersey Express S.C. and Lehigh Valley United as being, "Unwatchable dreck full of terrible players and tactics without a shred of history therein."

Wilson saved his harshest words for the NPSL as he called teams like FC Frederick, Fredericksburg FC and Virginia Beach City FC, "Loathsome in effect and utterly lacking in any substance at all. The second least authentic teams in the world to any MLS fan who should be taken out back and executed right now."

Wilson concluded his remarks on Twitter by saying that US Soccer was broken and he would support no team in the United States that didn't have 120 years of history and some kind of relegation battle like his favorite actual authentic club Manchester City.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wilson turns down free US Open Cup tickets as he derides the tournament as, "lacking any relevance on a global scale."