Atlanta, GA - It was announced late Sunday night that a bowl bet between the assistant to Robert Kraft and the assistant to Stan Kroenke would require the loser of Super Bowl LIII to care about his Major League Soccer team during the 2019 season as waves of panic cascaded down Stan Kroenke’s frail neck as he asked, “now which team is that?”
“We are more interested in figuring out how much money our super pac can donate to the GOP to ensure that we get more tax breaks”
According to those present, Kroenke and Kraft both agreed to the terms via a terse message of, “whatever,” when asked by their assistants if they would go through with the conditions of the bet.
“The requirement is that they actually put money into the team via advertising, player salaries, building a stadium, funding a winning team, hiring a good coaching and scouting staff for an entire year,” stated one anonymous party. “I’m not certain they knew what they were getting themselves into. They might be forced to spend hundreds of thousands of their billions of dollars.”
The staff and fans of the Colorado Rapids and New England Revolution stated that they were excited to see what a billionaire who gives a shit in Major League Soccer looks like other than Arthur Blank.
“Can you imagine if the team actually scouted for good players, hired good coaches, had their own stadium, advertised and actually worked with fans to help create a good atmosphere instead of just being a tax writeoff and opportunity to sell more Tom Brady jerseys?” stated one anonymous Revolution fan.
“Our fanbase mirrors exactly the level of effort put in by Stan over the past few years,” stated one anonymous Rapids fan. “That is that most of us forget it is game day, unwrap a hard candy, get excited over the CBS lineup and then realize that the last exciting thing to happen to this team was when Gary Smith was coach.”
For their part, both owners vowed that this would be the last time they get talked into actually caring about their soccer teams as they decried the bet as uncivilized.
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Bob Kraft fulfills his promise of one stadium rumor a year for 10 years time leading to absolutely nothing.