CHICAGO (and ONLY CHICAGO) - The United States Soccer Federation (USSF) today announced a new initiative of appointing player-coach options on their men’s and women’s youth teams after a number of vacancies were noticed from the U-23 level to the U-16 level.

“It’s time we admit that the players know more than we do,” stated Generalissimo Berhalter. “We are appointing a rotating player-coach that will gain the necessary skills to apply for an A Level license once they graduate the U-23s after 7 years in our program.”

US Soccer stated that they would be selecting the player-coach for each team via Rock-Paper-Scissors competition as they indicate that competitiveness and strategy must be essential for all coaching appointees.

“We don’t want a weak coach coming in here throwing paper when what we need is a coach who knows how to dominate with scissors,” stated Carlos Cordeiro. “We understand that our U-16 players requested the ability to throw dynamite and while we respect their initiative we need them to stay within the framework of the guidelines given to USSF coaches on page 32 of the A level exam which dictates that dynamite is not allowed within the laws of USSF Ro-Sham-Bo.”

For their part, US Soccer announced that the youth teams for the US Women would be appointing one player coach from one team to manage all eight levels of divisions from U-16 to U-23 as the USSF shot down the idea that they are dividing talent unequally.

“We can only supply the women with one head coach as the revenue doesn’t indicate that they should have more. If they want more than one 16 year old coaching the 23 year old team they should get in line and sue us with the rest of North America.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the appointed player/coach for the U-17 men’s team considers a one time nationality switch to literally anywhere.