CHICAGO - During a group conference call with their remote coach employees, the US Soccer Federation (USSF) Leadership Team Engagement Workplace Collaborative Task Force indicated that they identified a core initiative that would drive WINnovation and corporate success by forcing their remote employees to uproot their families and move to Chicago in order work from the office.
Welcome to Hell.
“EVERYONE GETS A SUCCESSORIES POSTER AND NO ONE GETS TO WORK FROM HOME ANYMORE,” stated Janet and Rob Holding of Dynamic Synergistic Integrative Culture Team Building LLC. “We want you all to feel like ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY so that our overall profits will increase because as we all know…. when the company, er federation does well… WE ALL MOSTLY DO WELL EXCEPT ROB WE NEED YOU TO SPEAK WITH HUMAN RESOURCES AFTER THIS MEETING!”
According to insiders with the USSF, the company decided to invest the money they aren’t spending on lobbyists in order to figure out whom to influence legally or politically in order to not pay the US Women on a consulting group to improve the overall corporate culture dynamics of the interoffice fraternity of coaches that they employ on a national level.
“The first thing that Janet and Rob identified was that all coaches regardless of skill, family or ability should be based out of Chicago,” stated one anonymous insider. “The next thing they identified was that there needed to be communal go rooms with an open floor design and no walls for personal work-spaces instead of cubicles or offices. The next thing they spoke about was interdepartmental communication and synergistic culture building that could be centered around an inclusive meet space where everyone would have performance reviews in the round with a peer support specialist dedicated to core competencies and influencing corporate culture integration with motivation, advocation and company INreach centered around what is good for the federation.”
According to many reports, coaches with the federation took this news in stride by quitting, but the USSF denied the claims stating that they were still certified as a Great Place To Work by the international consulting firm they paid to do the survey in the first place.
When asked about this new methodology, the USSF responded by stating, “Our coaches love the idea of peer collaboration and working together in an office environment rather than actually being out there with players. We are trying to develop a new curriculum by focusing on removing the connection of the coach with the player and instead focusing on driving home the idea of achieving coaching licenses, taking tests and then teaching other coaches to take tests and achieve licenses and then moving to Chicago. We’ve completely eliminated an unnecessary work from home area project because we feel it severely damages the interoffice water cooler dynamics that help fully mesh our holistic culture approach.”
The Nutmeg News will have more on this after we finish vomiting into a waste bucket at all these buzzwords.