CHICAGO - The United States Soccer Federation (USSF) announced their new ticket pricing and strategy for upcoming games as they will release only 1 ticket priced at two million dollars for the entire stadium for the next home friendly the United States men will play.

“Would you rather have a full stadium or a pile of cash? Because a pile of cash is a lot more fun when the game ends and you miss the World Cup,” - Carlos Cordeiro

“We’ve tried to have full stadiums before,” stated USSF president Carlos Cordeiro. “This time we decided to have one expensive ticket to ensure that we are recouping our costs and maintaining our profit growth year over year.”

US Soccer stated that it was important to keep growing their profits moving upward with the express desire of ensuring 2019/2020 as the most profitable era in US Soccer history as they prepare to price gouge during the upcoming World Cup.

“The metric of success that we measure ourselves by isn’t Brazil, Argentina, Spain or France,” stated Cordeiro. “We measure ourselves by Microsoft, Amazon, Google, Apple and Facebook. This isn’t a charity or a non-profit, this is for profit. We cannot continue to take massive losses by subsidizing poor fans who want to come to games. Let them get better jobs if they want to see the national team play. In the mean time, we believe that this ticketing option will really help the federation get a concrete handle on our finances.”

With the single ticket expected to sell out, pundits across the United States expressed their admiration at this idea.

“Look, Ayn Rand was right and we all need to just understand that you can’t help poor people by helping them,” stated Alexi Lalas. “You help poor people by showing how unbelievably shitty they are as human beings and that being rich, famous and popular should be their goal. This new ticketing methodology by US Soccer just shows how cutting edge the United States is in the fight against poverty. Pull yourselves up by your bootstraps, America, if you want to ever see this national team again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Soccer works to further raise ticket prices to un-affordable levels for meaningless friendlies.