NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced a ban on all fists and fist displays as being in violation of their ban on political imagery.
Yes, really.
“We are mandating the immediate removal and confiscation of any fists at all attached to anyone or any thing in all Major League Soccer stadiums,” stated Don Garber, the commissioner of Major League Soccer. “We will have monitors at all stadiums to ensure that none of the displays contain fist imagery and we will have medical technicians available to ensure that we can remove any attached fists that people in our supporters groups may have.”
Insiders with Major League Soccer were reportedly concerned that actually removing the fists attached to members of supporters groups would go too far, but Commissioner Garber continued his stance against the now politicized body part as he ordered 12 tons of visqueen to deal with the gore from the mandatory fist removals.
“Fists are inherently political as everyone knows,” stated Mark Abbot, president of Major League Soccer. “If our fans wish to attend MLS games then they will understand that we will need to separate the fist from their wrist using a bonesaw or possibly a radial saw from our new sponsor of Home Depot. We will be allowing fans to check their fists at guest services for a nominal fee of $150 in case they wish to have them reattached to their arms after the game is over, but we feel that this is a small inconvenience to pay for having a politics free soccer experience.”
With nurses and EMT’s standing by for next weekend’s games, Major League Soccer stated that they would not change the security admission policy for their guests to allow them heavy dosage pain relievers or IV bags as this may be used to smuggle in political displays of their own.
“Healthcare is not a right just like being able to express yourself at a game. You must understand that you will obey the rules at all times. It’s not our fault if you can’t make it through a game as you violently expel plasma and blood from your wrist stump. That’s the price all of us must pay for a politics free zone,” stated Abbot to our reporter.
The Nutmeg News will have more on this Terminus Legion members preemptively cut off their fists in order to be able to attend the next home game.