Vancouver, BC - The Vancouver Whitecaps announced, today, a new attempt to streamline into a Canadian Premier League (CPL) team over the next 2 years.

“We are thankful to Mark Pannes for all his positive contributions to the club the last few months,” stated the communication from Whitecaps co-owner Jeff Mallett. “However, as we streamline our process into a CPL team we don’t feel the need for a passionate leader of his caliber.”

According to insiders, the Whitecaps ownership groups have long regretted moving to Major League Soccer where more is expected of them by their fanbase.

“They thought it was just…. you know…. going to work,” stated one insider. “Once they realized it wasn’t just working anymore, and that the fans were growing upset by the lack of any kind of concrete direction or responsibility over the last 10 years, the ownership group decided to start liquidating players, combining job specifications and preparing for a future transition to the Canadian Premier League. They’ve even sent our feelers to the NPSL as the local rivalry with Whitehorse would give them an immediate rival.”

For their part, the Whitecaps FC executive staff stated that they were confident that their fanbase would love the transition.

“Mark Pannes had grand ideas and proposals,” stated Mallett. “However, we know our fans think of this whole soccer thing as just being a little part of their day. And with this experience being a little part of their day it is only right for us to transition to a league that supports our level of aspiration. I tell you what we are gonna streamline like we’ve never streamlined before. We are gonna stream and then line. We are gonna streamline so much you will think we are fly fisherman, but we won’t be fly fishing because we will be streamlining. STREAMLINE. STREAM. LINE. STREAAAAAAAAAAAAAM.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Canadian Premier League turn the Whitecaps expansion bid down for not thinking big enough.