Portland, OR - Concerned about the viability and effect of website outages causing a severe drop in ticket purchases, Portland Timbers owner Hank Paulson called for an immediate bailout of the ticket reseller Seatgeek.

“The longer this website is not functional, the more that I am troubled that we will not be able to service our fans with $500 general admission tickets,” stated Paulson to his staff.

According to insiders, Paulson called for the Timbers fans to use hundreds of billions of dollars to help Seatgeek clean up nonperforming tickets threatening the liquidity of the reseller.

“We MUST stabilize our ticket market. This could have a dire domino effect to the rest of the world. If Seatgeek fails then Ticketmaster, Stubhub and Vivid Seats are next! We MUST inject a high amount of capital into Seatgeek NOW!”

Paulson said he was disgusted to see fans who didn’t get tickets today. “That’s 500 dollars they could be spending that could build our great atmosphere, which lets be honest, is a fair price for the experience of America’s greatest soccer atmosphere.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as members of the Timbers Army respond with a 13 post twitter thread.