Denver, CO - Parent Rob Rivera acknowledged his slow descent into hell with a muffled, “shit,” as he clicked register on his 8 year old son’s youth soccer application.

Move your FEET!
YOU CALL THAT TRACKING BACK?

“Fuck no I don’t want to be a coach,” stated Rivera as he navigated the endless forms he had to fill out in order to get his son on the field. “I just want him to burn off some energy and see if he likes the game.”

Sources indicate that Rivera still claims he isn’t going to, “get sucked into this whole thing,” despite shopping for an emblazoned team polo with his name embroidered on it.

“I can handle myself appropriately,” stated Rivera. “This coach better know what they are doing, though. I want to see coordinated attack and defense, not just some formless amoeba out there.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as a visibly energetic Rivera is asked to either join the coaching staff or remove himself from the sidelines 10 minutes into game 1.