"For Legal Reasons, I Like To Think Of Him As Two Entirely Different Merritt Paulsons," States Don Garber

NEW YORK - Praising his good friend Merritt Paulson, Major League Soccer (MLS) Comissioner Don Garber stated that he was shocked that Evil Merritt Paulson’s Portland Thorns had two more scandals related to distribution of a controlled sustance and sexual harrassment.

“For legal reasons, I like to think of him as two entirely different Merritt Paulsons,” stated Don Garber. “The Merritt Paulson I know who owns the Portland Timbers would never foster an environment where people distribute codeine to players against their wishes and without a prescription, or where they endanger players by putting them under a sexual predator who then, after the crime, is praised by evil Merritt Paulson. No, the Merritt Paulson who owns the Timbers would NEVER do what the Merritt Paulson who owns the Thorns does.”

Indicating that Major League Soccer has no problems with Paulson, Garber praised the owner for his open nature.

“:He’s friends with everyone,” stated Garber. “And we are all friends with him, and I don’t think a friend could do any of this. It really is just an indication of an out of control organization that has nothing to do with Major League Soccer, despite being owned by the same person.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber deflects and praises Paulson for his introspective and loving nature as he states, “He loves women! And really that’s his biggest fault”