NEW YORK - After successfully running both Chivas USA and the Chicago Fire into the ground so badly that fans openly protested his hiring, Chivas USA ceased to exist and the Fire shed both fans, sponsors and players, Nelson “Hatchet Man” Rodriguez admitted he is finally finding his zen by attempting to destroy the US Open Cup for Major League Soccer (MLS).

“It’s the culmination of all my skills and techniques I’ve used over the years,” stated Rodriguez to The Nutmeg News. “Being the Executive Vice President of Sporting Competition means that I have the mandate to figure out new and exciting ways to screw things up for the league. It’s taken all my skills from the Metrostars (RIP) to Chivas USA (RIP) to the Fire (RIP) in order for me to finally get to a point where I can fully piss off all the fans in the United States and destroy the US Open Cup for Don Garber.”

Sources say that Rodriguez has had a new “pep in his step” as he starts the day with a feeling that he is on the right path.

“If I do my job right, the only thing left over will be cup competitions with sponsors that give money to the league that involve teams from our league. We will create NEW traditions. We will own the financial compensation for all of these new traditions. And the fans can suck it. Especially the ones from Chicago. Also, if I get a half chance I’m going to ban Sector Latino again. Just because.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Rodriguez fails upward again.