Drag Superstar Latrice Royale Called To Help Orlando City Soccer Club

Orlando, FL - Drag superstar Latrice Royale was called to Orlando, Florida after the mascot for Orlando City Soccer Club, Kingston, failed in an attempt to do his own makeup.

"We knew something went wrong when Kingston walked out of the bathroom and the whole office gasped. This wasn't good by any standard and there was only one person who could fix the problem", said director of mascot relations Heather Appleby. "We immediately called in the professional talent of makeup expert and drag superstar Latrice Royale."

BEFORE/AFTER

The Nutmeg News found out that when Ms Royale was approached she was originally going to turn down the job. "When I first saw that makeup I thought to myself of the five G's. GOOD GOD GET A GRIP GIRL. That is just some busted drag makeup right there. There's blending and shading, and then there is falling face down into a vat of foundation and concealer. But I figured that Kingston was a sexy cat that could use my help."

Orlando City released a notification saying that Kingston, with Ms. Royale's help, will attempt to blend the features of his costume into something not so horrifying by first kick.

Altidore Shows His One Touch Football Prowess

TORONTO - Jozy Altidore is no stranger to controversy having been both prolific at goal scoring in the Eredivise and lacking at goal scoring in the Premier League, La Liga, and the Turkish Super League. However he is showing a new dimension to his game, that of the ability to play the game with only one touch.

“This idea of one touch football started during my trip to Sunderland and I hope to really polish this technique to a fine point with Toronto FC. With Gus Poyet and Paolo di Canio, I really worked hard to play the game with only one touch, either a pass or a shot towards goal. I am hoping with Toronto that they will continue to let me play the game of playing slightly offside, dragging back the defensive centerback pairing and attempting to find the game by wandering side to side until half time comes”, said Altidore.

“We tried to work on the idea of limiting touches to limit my touch and to try to only have the ball touch my foot once in a game. The idea of Asceticism in soccer came from my devotion to the practical application of non-violence towards all living and nonliving creatures. I am able to show my devotion to Asceticism by avoiding striking a ball, a human or the net with violent force. Whether it be one goal, one assist, no goal, no assist, I feel it is best to try to play the game with only one touch of the ball”

Altidore, during Toronto’s pre-season, stuck to his ideals by only contributing one assist and 0 goals during the stretch of limited games that he has played.

Dell Loy Hansen Conducts Bombastic Interview

Salt Lake, UT - Speaking on the topic of player wages, free agency and owners concerns, Real Salt Lake (RSL) owner Dell Loy Hansen was found by the tabloids to be dressed in an all black suit, a top hat, and a curled mustachio. 

This persona was such a serious departure from the norm for Mr Hansen that The Nutmeg News reached out to him to ask why there was such a change.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

"Well, the owners of Major League Soccer (MLS) wanted to send a message that we will not be taken advantage of by the indentured poor that we employ in our services. If they wanted a living wage then let them work in the fields, in the hospitals or in the one of my many opportunities with property development. Why back in my day a man could live comfortably for the rest of his life on 36,000 dollars."

When asked about his quote from a recent ESPN700 interview  "When you look at all the owners, they've all been in pro basketball, baseball, football, and that (ED - FREE AGENCY) was the one thing they all vowed they'd never do is go through that again."

Mr Hansen replied, "Look, we are a collection of mostly paunchy, ego inflated, rich, white guys. None of us want to A: Give up complete control of the league, B: Spend our own money and C: have to open ourselves to the criticism of owners that free agency brings. It seems stupid when we control everything about this league to give up control. We tell the players where to go, we tell them where they live, we tell them where they can play or not, I don't give a flying fuck about the little guy, instead lets eat some caviar off their backs. PROFITS, my good man. Wait, is this thing being recorded?"

Mr Hansen then yelled "CURSES, Foiled AGAIN!" and abruptly hung up the phone.

Financials Dictate North American Soccer Teams Twitter Usage

Due to constraints in their “pay by the word” contract, Major League Soccer, USL, NASL and NPSL teams social media managers have been forced to use silly animated GIF’s to express emotion. Recent examples of this include Orlando City SC using a Stone Cold Steve Austin GIF and Sacramento Republic using a Late Night With Jimmy Fallon GIF

“We have a strict pay by word contract that indicates that any tweet length in excess of our monthly quota will be met by a penalty. I’ve been storing up GIF’s from Wrestling, Movies, and inappropriate moments in live television to use for the last six months”, said  Sacramento Republic Twitter manager Ralph Ventura.

Even though the financial differences between an MLS club and an USL club should be vast, MLS twitter account managers felt the crunch as well.

“I was told that we could only use 1000 words for the month of February and by the time I got done with the first pre-season game we were already feeling the word shortage, so I just got creative around  Valentines day and started mocking up stupid Valentines with our players names as puns.” said Inez Barthez, Twitter manager for the Philadelphia Union. “I’m planning on spending the entire month of March communicating by emoticon and picture to avoid overshooting the word budget.”

The Nutmeg News has been able to confirm that certain Liga MX teams like Pachuca and Xolos reached out to a number of multilingual MLS and USL twitter managers to get them to switch leagues. One social media manager who wished to remain anonymous had the following to say, “Sure you might not get paid on time, but that one paycheck you receive is more than you would make in 5 months with Major League Soccer. Plus, you have an unlimited word budget! Kiss my GIF’s goodbye!”

Children Pledging Allegiance To The US Men's National Team

Tuscon, AZ - Border towns across the southern United States have implemented a new classroom pledge of allegiance in an effort to create unity in the classroom, raise national pride, and create an indoctrination process for young children that plants support for the United States Men’s National Team (USMNT) firmly into their psyche. The official pledge is as follows:

"I pledge allegiance to the Men’s National Team of the United States of America. And to the unity for which it stands, one team, under Klinsmann, with Dempsey and Omar for us.”

The pledge has been having some unintended consequences as Ava O’Conner, a fifth grade teacher at Alabaster Elementary School in Tucson, Arizona discovered. “We have always told the kids that if they see something, say something. I used to think that the kids really aren’t paying attention to us but Jared Weiss, one of my fifth graders, proved me wrong.”

The Nutmeg News talked to Jared about what transpired. “Well, when we were doing the pledge I noticed that this one kid, Miguel, wasn’t saying Dempsey and Omar but was replacing their names with  Hernandez and Ochoa. I didn’t really think anything about it at first until I looked up the names on my phone and learned that they were players for Mexico’s national team. I told my friends Jimmy and Mike and then word spread really fast.”

“I found a group of about fifteen kids surrounding Miguel at recess the next day,” says O’Connor. “As I walked over I could see that they were pushing Miguel back and forth between each other chanting ‘Dos a Cero! Dos a Cero!’ I let it go for a minute before finally intervening. I broke up the scuffle and then marched him straight to the principals office and had his parents called in. Well it turns out they were actually illegal immigrants and they were all arrested and sent back home to Mexico. We decided to give Jared extra recess for a week.”

The Nutmeg News talked with Jared’s father, Marco, who was very proud of his son. "All the kids need to understand that if they want to be part of this country they have to support this country’s national team. This is God’s country and God’s soccer team. You’re in America now. We call them jerseys, fields, and goalies. If you can’t speak American Soccer you can just go back to your own country.”

Don Garber Blasts Detroit City FC

Detroit, MI - In a recent conference call, Don Garber went on the record over his concern with Detroit City FC.

"They are simply having too much fun for an NPSL game" said the commissioner of Major League Soccer. "These games are supposed to be a tortured, dreary affair before a sparse crowd on a rec-league field that only serves as a dire example of what they could have if they were an MLS franchise. However, you look in the stands and it looks fun. This, to me, is a major problem. Soccer fans in North, North America are expected to be encumbered with concerns about league television ratings, clandestine agreements over allocation money that no one outside the ownership groups can measure, single entity issues, and bizarre player acquisition methods. They should not be buoyantly cheering for their city unencumbered by our league baggage."

Garber continued in his statement, "It's almost as though Detroit doesn't need Major League Soccer, and we know that isn't the case. While clearly they are having some kind of fun, it is very much a minor league kind of fun. They'll never make it to the top of the league if they don't start dreaming bigger than Detroit City FC. Imagine what fans in Detroit could do with 20,000 people in an 80,000 person stadium like the Silverdome with $20 parking and the league owning their rights."

The President and deputy director of Major League Soccer, Mark Abbot, agreed. "You look at the success we have had with creating brand new teams in Portland, Seattle, Montreal, Vancouver, Orlando and it becomes clear that Major League Soccer knows how to create fun new teams around the league. These teams are now our cornerstones and it is in no small part due to Major League Soccer, who put those teams and cities on the map. 20,000 people in Portland and 40,000 people in Seattle is due to our marketing, our ability to sell fun, and our ability to bamboozle the general public into paying stadium creation and improvement taxes with our ability to hide how much money our investment teams actually have. Detroit could have all of this and more! A publicly funded stadium somewhere in the suburbs, pay for parking, a new kit every year, a new badge, even a new management team that is more inclined to vote yes in lockstep formation with management issues on our board, it could be a brand new start and a team from scratch, just like in Montreal!"

The Nutmeg News will continue to cover any potential development in the MLS to Detroit story.

Seattle Sounders To Temporarily Replace 'Sound Wave'

Seattle, WA - While the Seattle Sounders' marching band and pep group "Sound Wave" are on a six country European oompa music tour, the Sounders' front office will replace them temporarily for the 2015 season. 

"We decided to go a completely different route this season with Sound Wave fulfilling their contractual duties in Bavaria and beyond", said entertainment manager Blythe Donner. "Now that we know our audience, we are going to bring in experimental Electronic Dance Music (EDM) artist DJ KattzzNBlastzz for all our 2015 home games." 

DJ KattzzNBlastzz is well known in Europe for his experimental techniques involving dramatic light and laser shows, stage actors, triple mounted de-tuned MOOG synthesizers, as well as incorporating Italian accordion folk music into all his shows. 

"We felt that we wanted to really bring up the 'event' status of Sounders' games, so we have given control of the entirety of the north end and the Hawks Nest over to DJ KattzzNBlastzz. There will be a restricted dress code entrance, laser lights, fog machines,  and we have obtained permission from Major League Soccer to play EDM music over the public address system for the first 10 minutes and last 10 minutes of every 45 minute period during every match this season" said Donner.

The Nutmeg News was able to speak with DJ KattzzNBlastzz at his home in Tampa, Florida.

"This shiznay is gonna be off the hook! It's dope, its wild, It's gonna be sliding right all game long jus' like Tinder! We are gonna break your neck and getcha on the dance floor for the Sounders. Forget that Rave Green, we gonna be Rave City. Do you feel me, bro? It's gonna be hashtag awesome."

The Nutmeg News was able to confirm that the Sounders' Front Office will also be turning over National Anthem duties to DJ KattzzNBlastzz. 

"Yeah, bro! I've got a dope 12 minute Trance version of the national anthem that people gonna feel. It's gonna blow Jimi out of the water. Peace, Jimi!"

DC United Fan Worried About Possible Strike

Richmond, VA - D.C. United fan Ronald Westing is finding the talk of a Major League Soccer (MLS) players strike difficult to comprehend.

"I want to watch United play on opening day, but if they don't start the league on time I don't know what I will do", said Westing to a Nutmeg News reporter. "I don't want to watch lower league soccer like the USL and NASL because the play is terrible, I don't want to go watch the Richmond Kickers in person because it isn't cool, whats a fan to do?"

Westing indicated that if he can't watch MLS games that he will resort to only watching the Barclay's Premier League and the UEFA Champions League.

"My time will be split between Manchester City in the Premier League and Barcelona in the Champions League. Look, I may tacitly support DC United, but that doesn't mean I should subject myself the the USL, I've got standards to keep up here. Granted, I've never watched a USL game in my life and I can drive by where the Kickers play in about 15 minutes, but if God wanted me to watch a USL team he would have given us promotion and relegation. I'm a top flight man, and that's the way it stays."

When asked about watching Liga MX teams Mr Westing had the following to say, "Do I look like I speak Spanish?"

Vancouver Whitecaps Rookie Hazing Going Too Far

Vancouver, BC - Images surfaced this weekend of rookie Mitch Piraux, from the Vancouver Whitecaps, sporting an atrocious new haircut that was apparently done as part of the hazing rituals that have started to spiral out of the team manager’s control.

We spoke with Whitecaps manager Carl Robinson to get his reaction. “I understand that the players like to have fun and tease new recruits, but that haircut. Jesus. That thing would make Yedlin cringe. ”

TNN interviewed one of the Whitecap players on the condition of anonymity to learn more about other instances of hazing. “I came to Vancouver thinking I was joining up with professional soccer players, not a bunch of frat boys. Being forced to eat poutine until you vomit and then the last one to do so has to shotgun a Molson beer? I know this is Vancouver but come on, I would still like to keep a shred of my dignity left. Maybe I should have gone to the USL.”

While the MLS front office has officially condemned hazing rituals it is very difficult to enforce. We spoke with MLS disciplinary committee member Taylor Borgnine to find out what they are planning to do to crack down on this behavior.

“Well obviously we investigate every instance that is reported but the problem is finding people to come forward. It’s hard to get someone to admit that they were force to streak through a Tim Hortons without apologizing to the patrons. Some of the more serious allegations carry some potential criminal penalties as well, such as animal cruelty charges for moose tipping. We just don’t think we’re going to be able to do much but we’ll try.”

Not Your Mothers Crew Neck

Columbus, OH - With viewership numbers of recent Columbus Crew games stagnating, the Crew front office and Adidas decided to go with the utterly unique approach of exposure for exposure.

"We decided to focus on the exposure of our natural assets" said PR director Norman Pinedale. "Our entire women's line of Crew kits will contain a naturally enhanced scoop neck to display the bountiful breasts that our women supporters have. We focused our entire women's fashion reach out campaign around New Crew, New You, Dem Titties and the response from our male fans was overwhelming." 

The Nutmeg News reached out to the National Organization for Women for comment with no reply.

Orlando City Fans Prove They Watched Green Street Hooligans

Charleston, SC - Before the Carolina Challenge Cup kicked off, small segments of Orlando City fans reportedly reached an agreement to show off their extensive knowledge of Green Street Hooligans, The Football Factory, and Among The Thugs.

“We realized that with going into MLS it was literally like Elijah Wood going into West Ham United” said Gerry Steinblatz, a 26 year old bank teller who traveled up from Boca Raton, FL to support Orlando City. “I mean, this is not our town, not our tournament and we are playing meaningless pre-season games so we figured why not smash up a bunch of stuff, steal banners and act like complete idiots like they do in the movies. I've always wanted to scream ‘journo’ at random people for no reason and this seemed like the perfect time.”

Dan Katzenbjurgen, a 22 year old unemployed Tufts University French Literature graduate, illuminated the situation even more, “We talked about a lot of stuff, most people were in favor of just simply urinating on everything to claim our space, some people wanted to smear feces on the ground to prevent other groups from travelling past our territory, some of us even wanted to engage in a penis measuring contest with rulers and a live stream. However, in the end, we figured that we would just get drunk, at like a bunch of dicks and take stuff that didn’t belong to us. It was a hell of a time. I even talked my friend Bobby into wandering down the street slightly forlornly singing ‘i’m forever blowing bubbles’ while I filmed him. We had a grand old day at the derby match, laddie, and I might be a top boy now, mate!”

The Nutmeg News spoke to an Ultras group with Spartak Moscow about the code and conduct of these fan groups and they said the following, “attacking unmanned tents and taking the gear of fans that don’t even have a team? What a bunch of assholes.”

San Jose Fans Leave While Game Is Being Played

Sacramento, CA - San Jose fans known as the 1906 Ultras decided to leave the stands during a friendly with Sacramento Republic FC after two minutes in the game had elapsed.

Despite travelling over 238 miles round trip from San Jose to Sacramento, the San Jose fan group left after supposedly being told to stop swearing or be taken to jail. The 1906 Ultras official statement released by twitter was “We don't put up with nobody's shit!” highlighting the existing problems between supporters groups and management that bring to light the cultural detente that smolders between the wealth holding elite and the vocal blue collar proletariat.

After showing a tifo display in 2014 with the statement “If you played in heaven we would die to support you” the 1906 Ultras clearly decided that while heaven would be fun, behaving in a decent fashion in Sacramento just to watch their own team play was too difficult a task.

When asked about leaving while their club was still playing on the field the 1906 Ultras had the following to say, “What happens with us and our problems is way more important than what happens on the field with the team we support. I mean who cares about the Earthquakes when the 1906 Ultras were having difficulties in the stands”

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week Results - Week Of 2-16-15

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week results are in for the business week of February 16th, 2015.

In response to "Which Song Will Make Steven Gerrard Punch A Man At A Club In LA'", the message and mandate was clear.

With an overwhelming 29% of the vote, the majority of you said 

I'm Blue - Eiffel 65

This was followed by Timber - Ke$ha in second place and a tie between the nonsensical ramblings of Randy Newman and the nonsensical ramblings of Eiffel 65 since that song gets  stuck in your head so damn easily.

Remember, Steven Gerrard is like a shark to blood when it comes to his Phil Collins, you don't want to deny him his Phil Collins.

Terry Gilliam's Brazil National Team

Rio de Janeiro, BR - After suffering a World Cup default at the hands of the German team so soul-crushing and utterly devastating that many Brazilian fans were forced to rethink the meaning of life and their purpose in it, the Brazil national team manager, Dunga, decided to try and assist fans by giving them a way of coping with hopeless situations like this.

“We need a way to get our fans to stop focusing on the bleak and horribly helpless situation they find themselves in,” Dunga says, “a situation that makes us want to crawl under a rock and die. One where the lullabies we used to sing to our children have been replaced by uncontrollable sobbing and formless words. To this end we decided to bring in the help of famed director Terry Gilliam as technical director to help retroactively fix the mistakes that Luiz Felipe Scolari made during World Cup 2014 and to prepare us for World Cup 2018 and the next inevitable crushing defeat that makes us want to end our bloodlines and erase our existence forever.”

Gilliam was asked how he would have handled the 2014 World Cup defeat. “Well as the game neared the end it was clear that there was no way to come back. Germany had crushed Brazil to the point where all the heartbreak, panic, and anxiety everyone was feeling was so rampant and exhausting that fans had lost the desire to exist and-” [Gilliam paused as Dunga had curled into the fetal position at his feet and had to be carried away.]

Gilliam continued, “What I would have done is right at the very last second a giant patchwork zeppelin would have come floating up over the edge of the stadium and touched down right in the middle of the pitch. A whole pack of dwarf pirates would have come pouring out the doors and windows, chasing back the German players. The Brazil players would have been quickly ushered onboard where the zeppelin would have risen up and out of the stadium, sailing off into an ocean of pink and orange clouds as the sun began to sink in the distance. Scolari would have flown away on the power of his own wings and met up with the world cup trophy in the clouds where they would have made sweet love.  Back on the ground Germany would have been the victor and would have hoisted the trophy high into the air. But instead of crying out with sounds of weeping and lamentation, the Brazil fans would have able to just simply look up to the skies and put it all behind them as they entered that magical world of fantasy in their own minds.”

Gilliam was asked if he thought taking on a team that appears to be in decline is going to be difficult. “Are you kidding me? I had Heath Ledger die during the filming of Doctor Parnassus and I was able to pull it off. This is nothing.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gilliam quits the production half way through the World Cup and blames everyone else for the failure.

New England Revolution Worried Current Success Will Eliminate Home Field Advantage

Foxborough, MA - New England Revolution front office staff have gone on record this week of their concern at their recent success.

“We built a winning club based around speed, talent, and the ability of our players to communicate due to the lack of a sizable crowd. We are heavily concerned that our recent ability to win and make MLS Cup may lead to a larger crowd that makes it difficult to win at home”, said Revolution director of field operations James Granderson.

New England racked up 11 wins at home in 2014 and only lost four times on the season. Their crowd average was up from 14,861 in 2013 to 16,681 in 2014.

Mr. Granderson continued his comments, “It is a very concerning situation because our players get used to playing in a 68,000 seat stadium with only 11 to 16 thousand fans, and now we are getting more and more people at our games. The larger crowds will have an impact on the ability of our players to talk freely about what they need to do out there. We have been trying for years to quiet down our supporters groups under the pretense of foul language and code violations. Now we are going to have to ask everyone else to just be quiet and sit on their hands. It is entirely possible that we may have to drum up a fake controversy about supporters groups using abusive language to drive the average mom and pop fan away from Gillette just to keep our home field advantage of eerie quiet displacement.”

Mr. Granderson would not address the rumors that in order to keep the fan base low Robert Kraft has suggested that New England fire all the coaching staff, sell Lee Nguyen and make the rest of the players perform halftime sketch comedy with a malfunctioning microphone and a no cursing rule in the supporters section known as The Fort.

“All options are on the table, so I can’t comment on anything in particular but one method might be for us to switch the beer that we sell to only non-alcoholic beer, disallow any form of tailgating on or off the stadium grounds, and mandate breathalyzer entry requirements, which would seriously take a lot of the edge right out of the supporters group from the beginning.”

Sepp Blatter To Design 2015 NWSL Kits

Zurich, CH - FIFA and the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) announced today that Sepp Blatter will be designing the kits for all the teams in the league for the 2015 NWSL season. 

"Mr Blatter is a strong, passionate devotee of Women's Fashion and understands the cutting edge of haute couture on the fashion scene today", said Thomas Szubaj of the FIFA General Council on Women In Sport. 

The FIFA General Council on Women In Sport convenes annually in Zurich to discuss matters regarding sports and the place of women in them. The all male board includes such soccer luminaries as Sunil Gulati, Sepp Blatter, Thomas Szubaj, Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan, Sheikh Ali Bin Khalifa, and the recently resigned Jack Warner. 

"We believe that with a bit of tailoring and a difference in cuts to the way in which the shirts and shorts fit we could affect a major difference in the popularity of the sport", said Mr Blatter. "All one must do is look at the recent blouses displayed by Barbara Casasola at London Fashion week to understand how fashion can relate to sportswear". 

The blouses referenced by Mr Blatter had sheer panels over the front of the models and The Nutmeg News asked Mr Blatter about this, "We at FIFA think that women's bodies are beautiful and that since people would want to see all of their bodies, they should be allowed to do so. After all, what purpose do women in sport serve but to rile up the blood vessels and give us men purpose and vigor."

On the charges of whether sheer paneling over the nipples of NWSL players would be sexist Mr Blatter had the following to say, "First they said women shouldn't wear skirts when they play, then they said women shouldn't wear tight bikinis, then they said women shouldn't wear tiny shorts and crop top kits, I feel like it is others who are oppressing the amazing opportunity that women have to show us their bodies. We at FIFA believe that it isn't exploitation, but rather an opportunity for us to sell the women's game on the fronts and backs of our players."

MLS Capos Discuss Possible Strike

DENVER - At the recent Independent Supporters Council (ISC) meeting, capos from different teams in Major League Soccer (MLS) discussed a possible strike at the beginning of the 2015 season. Citing issues with supporters group management, the unified membership began ratifying a statement of demands that will need to be addressed  before they turn around to scream at fans to sing more.

"We have demands and our collective bargaining has been weak in the past," said Roger Ninivent from the Timbers Army. "However, now we are adamant about our position."

The new Major League Soccer Capo's Union is demanding a list of items according to their new press release including the ability to turn around and actually watch the game, cold water, cold beer, miniature hat umbrellas that look cool to avoid sunburn, singing lessons so that they can incorporate more songs in tune at a higher vocal range, two crates of "Singer's Saving Grace", a megaphone replacement policy, a vat of beard balm, the ability to post hyper critical dissertations against capitalism from the main supporters group Facebook account, a dump truck full of bath salts,  and a pallet of old, expired 4Loko that the government hasn't seized yet. The MLS capos union also had a statement against being forced to capo at national team games, friendlies and games where they just aren't feeling it.

There were no representatives from Columbus Crew present but they released a statement, "This is why we ensured against capos and a capo union in the past. We must control our bottom line and avoid chant stoppages." The capos union fired back in an tweet "That's why you never sing in the first place". 

Local drum and trumpet unions are siding with their brothers in labor by refusing to play a syncopated beat. Although they fully admit that this will not really change anything in some locations. "We will play 45 minutes of the god-damned Sanford and Sons theme song if our brother's demands aren't met" said Ralph Hoegarden of the Sons of Ben.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this potential capo strike as it develops.

Fox Sports Anchors Run Out Of Things To Say During Half Time Show

LOS ANGELES - After running out of salient points and irreverent banter during a recent UEFA Champions league game, Fox Sports decided to finish their half-time segment with a video that contained nothing but multi-camera replays of the on the field incidents from the game they were currently broadcasting.

"We just didn't have anything else to say!" said Rob Stone. "Every bit of minutia and meaningless banter was all used up in the previous weeks and we looked at each other with the realization that we were done talking." 

After 30 seconds of pure silence the Fox Sports broadcast team switched over to a quickly cobbled together replay of interesting events in the game with nothing but crowd noise as audio. Since the television ratings improved during that time, the broadcast team just left it on that video and then eventually moved back to the actual game action.

"We think that perhaps the ratings spike is due to the Fox fan base being tired of hearing argumentative co-anchors and oft used sports cliches and would rather watch the actual events of the game instead of hearing our anchors opinions", said director of programming Mike Nelson. "I mean what would you rather watch, a bunch of old players and sports anchors talking about what they would have done back in the 80's or a multi-camera video replay of a beautiful save?"

The Nutmeg News was able to confirm that despite the success of the broadcast, that the Fox Sports corporate office has placed an emphasis on expanding the current half-time show with more co-hosts, more sponsors, more robots kicking soccer balls, more United States flags for absolutely no reason during European games, more meaningless FIFA video game simulations, and more pundits talking about the good old days and the lost art of tackling.

Irate Fan Posts Screed To Reddit

St. George, UT - Irate Real Salt Lake (RSL) fan David Moseby logged onto the social media site Reddit on Tuesday to post an opinionated letter about the league structure in Major League Soccer (MLS), support of the United States National Team and Jurgen Klinsmann only to find it downvoted.

"It was a punch in the stomach", said Moseby. "I felt like my fellow fans were letting me down by downvoting me, I mean if that doesn't show that the common fan can't even talk about his own team, his own league and the national team, then what does?" 

Moseby began his epic soliloquy with the phrase "Does anyone else like promotion and relegation which they do in England and it is totally wicked smart." which immediately made 60% of the audience on Reddit tune out immediately, according to statistics released by Reddit today.

Reddit MLS moderator Larry O'Shannohan, "Well, I was just leaving a sub-reddit dedicated to unicorns felching rainbows from the golden cauldron of the leprechaun from Lucky Charms, when I noticed an alert about the rant. I mean, come on, like we have already had enough promotion relegation topics and nobody cares anymore. It was totally TL:DR. We welcome all opinions unless it is the opinions we don't welcome and then we hate them with terminal intensity."

According to Moseby, it wasn't until after the 2000th word that he really "got going" on the topic of "American heritage as it pertains to non-racist implications of dubious green-card status players" and he couldn't understand why it was (in Moseby's own words) "Downboated to Bolivian, bro". 

Moseby stated that he would take his talents for analyzing complex political situations in Major League Soccer and the international soccer scene to 4chan and Twitter where they at least have the decorum to welcome a new member with open arms and the gravitas that his words demand.

The Nutmeg News verified that Moseby's article did generate 463 comments about how stupid an idea it was, 12 comments about how stupid the people were that were saying he was stupid, 4 comments in an argument over the usage of a gif, and 3 people asking which team they should support in "the MLS".

NYCFC To Trademark The Phrase "Organic Support"

NEW YORK - After sending out a request for fans help in the naming of a supporters collective, New York City Football Club (NYCFC) announced their desire to trademark the phrase "Organic Support".  

"We felt it was in our best interest to trademark the phrase Organic Support (TM) to show the world how grassroots and connected our future fan group will be at Yankee Stadium. New York City FC will be at the vanguard of organic support and our corporate fan development team will have a hand at creating, steering, building, and monitoring all future fan development in the stands", said director of fan supervision Ronald Baer.

"What you must understand is that fan groups in the United States aren't sophisticated enough, organized enough and coagulated together to be able to determine their own future, appropriately, in the stands. We here at the fan supervision board will guide the fan groups of NYCFC towards the proper way of support, thus earning their right to say that they are Organic Support (TM) and certified Organic Fan Groups. It is in our best interest to actively protect the concept and idea of Organic Support (TM) and Organic Fan Groups even if this means that we must use litigious methods to protect the phrase usage by fan groups started by our own fans on their own time. New York City Football Club will not idly sit by and let organized, non-certified fan groups call themselves Organic Support (TM) of New York City FC."

Calls made to the United States Trademark Office regarding the current status of New York City FC's trademark request were not answered.